Happy Christmas... War is Over

Merry Christmas to everyone...

The other day while walking down the bridge leading to the boulevard facing the pristine blue/green sea, not at this hour in the evening where the sea looked a dark menacing rage, I came across Yu and Mi. Two very pretty looking kids, perhaps spending their little time together facing the sea, or perhaps they just needed time out for themselves.
             " Merry Christmas," I said.
             " Merry Christmas to you too sir," replied Yu.
I nod at the two and keep walking. The evenings are a nice time to be walking hearing the sound of the waves crashing against the breakers. The days haven't been like before where I can come by the boulevard and find a friend sitting by, someone to chat about imperfections/ perfections, the world's moved on. I moved on. But today it was about coming back to a place that I used to be about and spend some time. After a leisure stroll, around the boulevard I come to a park bench under a light which was half working, lit my face into half, right opposite of where Mi and Yu are sitting.

              " Its a nice day today."
              " Yes, sir it is. You don't come here often." Mi says as she holds onto Yu's arm tighter.
A little annoyed but forgiven, this used to be my place and now here are 2 youngsters owning the place.
              " I used to come here often, no more... Life moved on and I couldn't leave the train."
              " You moved on," Yu, is smarter than his face says him to be," Life doesn't make people move, people move life."
I had to stop and stare at this young boy. He was Yu, full of promise and life... He was me, I was full of life when I would walk these roads. The cobbled stones glistening in the moonlight would have been a great place to reminisce and think. Now its just a forgotten place where I have come to check on... CHECK ON.
We talk a bit, Yu, Mi and me. We chat about everything that we could think about. Me sitting half dark with half my face invisible to the couple. They are sitting with the light in their face and I can see a very pretty couple.
I turn around I can see that I am here for no good, looking for lost days. I had moved on. The world moved on. Nothing is the same and I would be fooling myself into coming to the same place and looking for everything to be the way they are. You move ahead in life and leave it to the next set of people, kids, our future, yours and mine to take over the space. We cannot let ourselves hold on to the same spot because then there is nuthin to share with Yu and Mi. But tonight we have things to share, my memories of the place are like their present and they shared in the little laughs of the old times. I am not much older to be thinking of moving on... but moved on alright.
               " Don't you have a home to go back?" I say, "Isn't it getting late for you."
               " No, We rather stay a little longer," Mi says," It isn't the same as in your time. There's no where to go."
i move ahead a little, my face they can see now clearly, " Why?"
               Mi looks at Yu and continues - " There's no where to go. the whole place seems to hate us. We are different. We are planning to be here as long till we can."
Do we hate the world so much that we cannot create a world safe and beautiful for the ones to follow. Do we have to keep coming back looking for a past that has moved on with us. Leave the world to the children of the future.
I wanted to tell them something encouraging but there was nothing to say because the only reason they would be there is me. I stand up and move to Yu and Mi, I look at Yu and say. "You can have Mi, you got to promise me that you will look after her."
And I turn to walk and i know that Yu will look after Mi. And I have to move on ahead with my life. My daughter has Yu to look after her.


P.S: I wish we could actually do that to our daughters and sisters today. I wish I wasn't part of this world with all the bull shit that people do these days. 

rOllIn In thE dEEp

Pulse  racing, pupils dilated, breathing heavy... I sit on my bed sweating staring blankly into the darkness infront of me. I turn to the side and she sleeps peacefully and thats all that matters now... didn't wake her... didn't want to wake her.

It's all too clear and screaming for release but you have trained hard to keep it from bursting. In slow long breaths, prolonged to pain I regain myself and composure... Why do we do it?!? Why do we put ourselves through all this shit?!? Somewhere inside of me I can still feel it breaking through... crying for release... CALM DOWN... ITS JUST A DREAM...

I tell myself... Its just a dream...

WHO THE HELL AM I FOOLING??!!?? I am a dreamer, the Wildrider of Dreams... the wilderness always calling. this is my home... I LIVE IN DREAMS.

THINK OF EVERYONE AROUND YOU... THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU SET OUT TO DO... DON'T BE SELFISH...

brings me back to life... the breathing settled and eased out... the drums in my head a distant roll and the rider is calm. Some water and a smoke to calm me more and now I can join my lady in bed... I snuggle up and she responds... unaware of the battle in my head... thats how it is. YOU FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLES... In the warm embrace I find sleep again, a quick check on time - I got 3 hours of sleep before its time for my daily routine to begin.

Now who would say that 3 hours are enough to slip back into a realm so different from the universe that we break bread in... BREAK BREAD IN...( Like thats the most important thing in life for us... to break bread, everything leads to can we provide at the table and we live for getting what we deserve... fighting for bread asking for bruschettas)

But anyway... no sooner did I lay my head that I get transported to a different world... A place oddly enough I had earlier been to... Haven't you ever gotten that feeling in a dream that you had earlier dreamt of it???? Well I was here again where I was half an hour or so ago, which forced me to wake up. Some dreams keep recurring as though edging you to find the message hidden in them and till you don't they keep coming. As a kid I dreamt of a rampaging bull and someone behind it with a stick, i told my mum and she understood what it meant... she said I can see. The dreams never stopped until the person i saw in the dream actually did an act that was unexpected and devastating....

But here in this place... where I had been earlier, there is no one pushing for force... I see war... I always see war in my dreams... a hidden desire to having been in the army, perhaps. But I see war, people fighting with me change... but it always ends with me left with nothing to fight with... my gun is empty, my sword turns to custard, I fight with a blow dart gun... things like that... but am always left feeling helpless and still fight on and I wake up just before I die in the dream...

Again am back at the battle field... theres a war and i got my guns trained... i have with me a friend I met on a cobbled stoned night at a boulevard staring at a blank sea... I got my buddy but my gun is empty.

Now I've had these dreams before more or less the same every time, the place and settings change... people change and so do I. These dreams keep recurring so much that one begins to wonder about the reality of things, about space about time about people... about feelings.

The dreams are always battle ridden. So then what about reality??? Are they dreams of battles not fought??? And so we struggle each day for a battle to win, with our peers, friends, family... WITH OURSELVES?!?

SO DEEP... SO VERY DEEP... And we keep Fallin...!

sO dAmn lUckY

I like this song... was listening to it while I typed this out.

Some of the most spectacular sequences ever filmed will almost inevitably involve our octane thirsty friends, and it is the speed, cinematography and special effects, crashes and sometimes heart stopping accidents that thrill us. but when you think of it happening in real life, it has inevitably ended in disaster with fatal consequences.
For some vague reasons traffic in most cities that I have visited have constantly troubled me. Now living in Chennai the traffic here scares the living daylights out of me so much that I prefer to travel only as a last resort. And I love travelling, I love seeing new hings and new places... but city traffic is crazy... never know when I might actually be complete with it.
My gym is really good, though it does not boast of anything that your regular city gym would have, but it sure has given me the best results any gym has in the past. I love my gym and I came by it by chance. I chose it  to the bigger and advanced gyms because it is across the road to where I stay, that means not having to be traffic. And yet every morning I get to cross the streets to get to gym and it frightens me. As a child we are taught to look left and then right and only when judging its safe to cross does one cross. Well I pride myself in being a very if not obsessively cautious crosser, I do not cross streets till I am satisfied that incoming traffic isn't half a mile away. And yet every morning i wonder if I am gonna find myself plastered to the tarmac. Some months ago i was witness to one such incident where a woman got plastered (literally plastered) to the road exactly where i cross the road to the gym. She got run over (actually run OVER) by a garbage disposal truck.
I don't know what caused the driver to do such a thing (I believe he didn't do it intentionally), how did the woman not see such a huge juggernaut coming down the road. The road is a fairly busy road which takes the most careless person a while and a double check before crossing. And yet it happened. The driver bolted.
There wasn't much to do once the cops arrived (which unlike the films were there in under 5 mins) but wait for the coroner's van to be there.
Today morning I read the Sunday Story of the Hindu - http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/driving-the-wrong-way-on-road-safety/article4038820.ece
On any normal day with data like that we would be declaring the country in a state of emergency. I guess at least that would be the least that can be done. i couldn't believe it that there were 1,42,485 fatalities in 2011 and 5,11,394 injured in road related mishaps across India. And I believe this would be the reported lot of incidences and we all know how many of such incidences are actually reported. Sometimes I think about what can be done about it and then I think is there really anything that can be done. Out of experience I know this about me crossing the street, as soon as I put my foot to the street i can see a car coming from far off gun his accelerator as if to go past before I can cross the road (and mind you, i make an effort to cross the street only when i see the nearest vehicle not less that 50 metres away). Its not only limited to crossing the street, but also when you seem to be chugging along and come across an intersection, it would seem like most of the drivers got a pregnant wife who's in labour.
I really don't know what to make of it. Is this found everywhere... are people becoming so inconsiderate of others or is this something that is only limited to Chennai? I know someone who is right now, without speech, without movement and is confined to a room and a wheel chair because he got hit by a bike coming on the wrong side of the road. he had just seen the film that he put his sweat and long hours into with his family and they were just heading back home to celebrate... he's been in hospital for more than a month now and all he responds to is "Hi".
Are we really becoming like this? Listen to the song, slow down and love yourself and others around... we need to smell the flowers next spring.

Mile Sur MEra TUmhara

As a little boy I grew up learning that I cannot really call any place home. Not everyday do we have to think where we are from, cos it comes naturally... your parent's place, depending on the culture and the practice of  your tribe - matriarchal or patriarchal. As I grew I wanted to join the army, and was pressed with a question - whose side do you take if India were to war Philippines? Now technically now when I think back I don't see any possibility of something like that happening but all the same today I don't think that way anymore. With all that's flooding the news.
Not too long ago people in the "mainland" wouldn't have known the difference between a person from Mizoram or from Assam. But today we all seem to be too aware of who is who and who is not. We also know the kind f people that will cheat us and the kinds that we must never trust. We know the ones who are sacrilegious and the ones who are fundamentalists... we even know who are not meant to be staying in their homes and who will be picking up arms. For crying out loud all they wanted was to pick up their harvest and fruits of their labour. But their already are people who decide who picks what weapon and the other set already knows what needs to be done with them.
I remember thinking about my childhood and how we all would say our national pledge... a pledge.

India is my country and all Indians are my brothers and sisters.

I love my country and I am proud of its rich and varied heritage.

I shall always strive to be worthy of it.

I shall give my parents, teachers and all elders respect and treat everyone with courtesy.

To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion. In their well being and prosperity alone, lies my happiness.

I sometime wonder how many of us know this as a pledge. Or for that matter our Preamble. Honestly, I as a child could have chosen to live in the Philippines and been a citizen. But growing up I chose India. Today I find myself sometimes asking why I did that. but really thats not taking me anywhere. What really is taking me anywhere is breathing every moment everyday. And some parts we have chosen to ignore the ones who have not been granted that right... THE RIGHT TO BREATHE...TO LIVE.
It never struck me that Identity is so important for people to survive. Without that, a purpose and a meaning to life is almost lost. When I stepped into Mumbai for work was in the middle of the agitation against people from Bihar and UP. I am from Bihar, but I am also from Kerala, I am also from Philippines, I am also from Tamil Nadu... and yet I'd be called a BHAIYA (It never bothered me cos in Bihar its used to show respect.) But what really struck me was when one day while a boy from the North Eastern states came home to renew a membership for me he told me about how he hated being called a "chinky"
He sat in front of me crying - "I am not from China, and I am called "chinky"." I didn't know what to do. I walked to my kitchen got him a bottle of water. He was a complete stranger and he breaks down in my flat. We spoke after that I had to tell him that I too am of multi-races. He looks up at me and says thats easy for me... but he is Indian and he is constantly being called a foreigner. I had to stay quiet, he just needed to vent it out. All this he spoke in impeccable Hindi, I tried to shift languages but he never once changed from Hindi.
Something had happened on the way to my flat, that made him break down.

How can we let something as fictional as IDENTITY decide who we are and our purpose in life? Our religion, our caste, our whereabouts, who we are... they are just categories made for people to rule us better. But that really and truly is not who we are. We talk of so much about the other people, their caste, their creed, their lifestyle, their everything... they are part of us. All we do is bring in more hate, negativity. Stop. Ask what are we doing about ourselves, we'll know what we are doing for our country. Our people. We don't need to stand in circles and discuss it, move in processions to oppose the machinery. We need to stop what we do and start to BREATHE...

our country celebrates today but a quiet reminder that our national identity is based on diverse identities, and to remove any one or to think otherwise will leave us handicapped... i am an optimist and believe we can still see ourselves as one. The strength is within and the will to make a difference is within. Lets not tear ourselves apart over identity

If wE hOld On

A whole lots of things and one might think there is way too less time to say em all... yest we need to speak out... not for anyone to hear but for us to feel good and be complete that we shared it all...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaRPQj11_Qo&feature=related

but this is something i had to share... its a song from an old animation film The Land Before Time... something that has stayed close to my heart... saw it in Cebu at my aunt's house way back in '93... and today when i see it i remember this film so vividly...

But its not the film only that has stuck but also this song by Diana Ross, then i had no idea who she was... and it was just a voice that sang something so beautiful about sticking together. Something that i grew up with... i really didn't have many friends growing up and that made me wanna make friends everyday once i left me childhood back... today i think maybe i know people, i forget names these days... but i have made some very good friends, friends i love and miss so dearly... I love me friends and everyone who's made my life the way it is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ

The second song is quite a recent addition to my likes... I haven't heard much of Josh Groban before and i like what i hear. But whts most important is that we are living in a world that is so presently selfish... its not about getting what you have to say out all the time but its also about being to hold and raise up...we look at all our leaders, people of importance and then you think its so easy for everyone to give their point of view and justify their acts... how about doing something about it.

Dreams are for Weaving thats what the first song says... the only thing i have been able to weave is sadness and lowliness. i read the papers and see the news and it saddens me... i want to hold on to everyone... its that urge to just hug everyone... pass on the love. because you raise me up to more than i can be.

HUGS 

aLL aBouT THe MoNeY

its all about the money... its all about the dum dum da da dum dum
I don't think its funny to see you fade away

i guess thats how the lyrics of the song goes... It is funny now that i think about it all... i look at myself in the mirror and i see someone who really wants nothing with money and yet you need money and that too lots of it... and everytime i think of the money i see myself fade away...
the journey needs money... living needs money and its crazy to think that all this for the value of paper, a silver lining and ink... the value of trust...
That is what money is all about... TRUST... and yet when you look around that is the last thing you will find... to be able to trust. and yet money is so important...
I trust i make something more in life than the value of money...

BhAAg DKBOSE

It always was something to think about to name a song after a name when you actually mean something else totally. Sitting where its most comfortable makes you see things a whole lot different from what you have always been seeing.
WHAT WITH THE WAY WE SEEM TO BE HEADING...
I turn on the TV and all that i see is tragedy, of pain and suffering
People pouring out their hearts and bleeding their souls.
I turn to the other walking hand in hand turning to death still breathing...
walking zombies and hoping that our brains really move us to see....

Hahaahaahahaahahaahaha

The jester laughs at the 2 children donning the heavy metal jacket...

"To war you off to little ones??? sons of the endless death race...."

looking at each other they say: "someone's gotta fight..."

"ringa ringa roses... pocket full of... aaaaahhhhh i forget... but what i do remember is WE ALL FALL DOWN.... hahaahahahaahahaha"

They pass the jester laughing to move to an endless calm of waiting rotting... under the carnage of bodies writing in ecstasy of a love inculcated in the world of the dying sun... once humans now sold to their world of unquenchable thirst for the carnal... fluids flow and a smell of stallions neighing...
2 but of innocence growing within walking... they got make the difference or the body collapses.

up ahead amongst the writhing and the aching and the moaning... sexy, sweltering and throbbing they meet DICK... ahahaahahaahaahaha...
a mountain of unclimable heights and proud standing laughing and oozing power of limitless...

"2 of the 44 what brings you here....?"
"We come to make a difference... the body rots and we come to take steps..."
"in the middle of throes... ahahahaahaha..."

mocked the 2 little ones walk one not stopping X and Y.. they implant in DICK... a change was needed...

evolve and change... adapt and XandY make a difference in offspring... DICK just goes limp...

How Bizarre

Bring me to the end of the song
         A call for life to end before long
Can one wait to hear the clash
         When gods and titans play with their bong...

Ride on or your skin will turn to rot
          For titans and gods care not
If your riding days were all gone
          Or they're just fooling you a bot...  

Break on through

Well, its been a sometime since i came here. and really coming to think of it i really don't know what to post. No more drive... want to write something but don't know what... i think its time to complete things that i have in my mind... its driving me nuts am not getting any younger and my stagnant life with the numerous pages of concepts scripts stories just stare me in the face knowing too well that its not anytime that they can see fruition into crispy notes... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
sometimes i wish i didn't take that turn. maybe i would have been sitting behind a desk working some numbers... not that there is anything wrong with that. but i chose not to and now i wish i had a little more to spend. days like this pulls me down. I have little lucy to think of. i got a few scripts that need pitching. i got a few documentaries to make and meeting to go... there are lots of possibilities for the future but thats what its been for sometime now. so i have not been posting which is driving me madder.
i started writing on something but stopped. why do things like this happen. you start looking for that perfect post, the perfect film, the perfect reply, the perfect pitch... but you always land short and that drives us nuts...
what do i do??? wwwwhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tttttoooooooooooooo dooooooooooooo??? help

And Some things just make way too much of sense...

I had to move away a little from my usual norm of titling my blogs after songs... but there was nuthing that i could come up with for this blog. Its time for me to update my story about Little Lucy making it into the world - StArIng At thE sUn...
just came across these on youtube. they are pieces that i had read sometime back and wanted to share em.

here are youtube likes to them...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXCTts3X5so

in the end we all are complete to roll the way we would want to... been looking long enough for a missing piece just makes us forget that we can roll together not try to fit each other...
i hope you love the videos as well...
Shel Silverstein is the owner of the work credits to whoever made the video... i came across it as a book and loved it... came across it in youtube and still ove it.

Happy New Year