rOllIn In thE dEEp

Pulse  racing, pupils dilated, breathing heavy... I sit on my bed sweating staring blankly into the darkness infront of me. I turn to the side and she sleeps peacefully and thats all that matters now... didn't wake her... didn't want to wake her.

It's all too clear and screaming for release but you have trained hard to keep it from bursting. In slow long breaths, prolonged to pain I regain myself and composure... Why do we do it?!? Why do we put ourselves through all this shit?!? Somewhere inside of me I can still feel it breaking through... crying for release... CALM DOWN... ITS JUST A DREAM...

I tell myself... Its just a dream...

WHO THE HELL AM I FOOLING??!!?? I am a dreamer, the Wildrider of Dreams... the wilderness always calling. this is my home... I LIVE IN DREAMS.

THINK OF EVERYONE AROUND YOU... THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU SET OUT TO DO... DON'T BE SELFISH...

brings me back to life... the breathing settled and eased out... the drums in my head a distant roll and the rider is calm. Some water and a smoke to calm me more and now I can join my lady in bed... I snuggle up and she responds... unaware of the battle in my head... thats how it is. YOU FIGHT YOUR OWN BATTLES... In the warm embrace I find sleep again, a quick check on time - I got 3 hours of sleep before its time for my daily routine to begin.

Now who would say that 3 hours are enough to slip back into a realm so different from the universe that we break bread in... BREAK BREAD IN...( Like thats the most important thing in life for us... to break bread, everything leads to can we provide at the table and we live for getting what we deserve... fighting for bread asking for bruschettas)

But anyway... no sooner did I lay my head that I get transported to a different world... A place oddly enough I had earlier been to... Haven't you ever gotten that feeling in a dream that you had earlier dreamt of it???? Well I was here again where I was half an hour or so ago, which forced me to wake up. Some dreams keep recurring as though edging you to find the message hidden in them and till you don't they keep coming. As a kid I dreamt of a rampaging bull and someone behind it with a stick, i told my mum and she understood what it meant... she said I can see. The dreams never stopped until the person i saw in the dream actually did an act that was unexpected and devastating....

But here in this place... where I had been earlier, there is no one pushing for force... I see war... I always see war in my dreams... a hidden desire to having been in the army, perhaps. But I see war, people fighting with me change... but it always ends with me left with nothing to fight with... my gun is empty, my sword turns to custard, I fight with a blow dart gun... things like that... but am always left feeling helpless and still fight on and I wake up just before I die in the dream...

Again am back at the battle field... theres a war and i got my guns trained... i have with me a friend I met on a cobbled stoned night at a boulevard staring at a blank sea... I got my buddy but my gun is empty.

Now I've had these dreams before more or less the same every time, the place and settings change... people change and so do I. These dreams keep recurring so much that one begins to wonder about the reality of things, about space about time about people... about feelings.

The dreams are always battle ridden. So then what about reality??? Are they dreams of battles not fought??? And so we struggle each day for a battle to win, with our peers, friends, family... WITH OURSELVES?!?

SO DEEP... SO VERY DEEP... And we keep Fallin...!