eND oF THe LiNe

Well it's all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it's all right, if you live the life you please
Well it's all right, doing the best you can
Well it's all right, as long as you lend a hand

You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring (End of the Line)
Waiting for someone to tell you everything (End of the Line)
Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring (End of the Line)

It's been a long time since I last posted anything here and I am guilty of being lazy or just too busy to dream. Yup, dream.

Dreams are what our world is made off, the dreams of someone somewhere, not here. Everyday we grow up or rather taught to follow our dreams. A dream it is to follow your dreams because in the end nothing really matters.

I thought I nearly gave up on the blog and just voicing myself out. Its easy, now that I have been out a while, to get lost in the "race". You try to survive, you try to live it... and all in all you forget to live.

Infact talking about living...

So it just so happens that we live in a world where acknowledgement does not exit anymore or maybe it just seems so. How we lose out on everything that has been gifted, worked for, paid for... work to get a better bargain - for what? In the end nothing matters, so why all the fuss?

SoMe NiGHTS

Some nights she just lies on her back wondering, and other nights she sits by herself with a glass of wine untouched. A drop of tear that refuses to release sits on her left eye, the right eye filled with resolve. She didn’t have to. But she did.

She was told as a child how to live, not by her parents – they were liberated and brought her up to be an angel of her making, by everyone around her. But she made her way, swam against the current. Isn’t that the way men are told to live, to really live it up? Well she did it by herself without anyone telling her how to do it. Pretty like a princess beautiful like a woman, complete like the moon she rules over, she is everything a man desires and yet solitude seems to woo her ever so often.

Today she sits in front of the mirror staring at her nudity. Where is she ugly, she searches…? Where is she flawed… why does it seems that she’s undesired, a distance from everyone. Today be the New Year and she sits by herself in the apartment, alone… the walls closing in on her. The same walls scribbled with notes and messages from friends… lots of support, but she still is alone. People screaming down on her from every corner, if the earth were corners… She sees nothing, staring at the ceiling which blocks the stars which were her friends while growing up. Standing she sees nothing. She is bare and open and nothing. So why is it her fault, why is she alone, why does solitude woo her every night. Today she cannot hold herself any longer and the tear that held on ever so loyally to her eyes trips to her cheek. It wasn’t pretty like the princess that she is, neither was it beautiful as the woman she is.

She weeps a river and the only witness is me. Today she is beaten. Death seems lurking in the back of the room, but stands there paralyzed with fear, I don’t know what to do. Death loves her but I would never ferry her across to the other side. Death weeps in the corner for I know this was one seed I planted to be reaped for rich gains and today I see her wither and bent. I didn’t need to see her this way and it breaks the very same being that I stay away from. The want of being physical, the want to touch her, comfort her, but my touch is death. Death wants to become human and love her for life, she doesn’t have to be alone, but he vowed to live the life of a hermit and collector of souls. I cannot take it anymore, at a corner of a wall with a thousand faces and shares I feel the warmth of my tears… 10,000 souls cringed.

Her life will be decided by her, she resolves. She looks at the walls around with all the smiley faces and pretentious notes, vying for her attention but not there for her. They call themselves mates, friends and family but where are they today when I feel death stand behind me?

“What are we living for? Isn’t it all meaningless, isn’t life meaningless, without meaning… don’t we put our purpose. Its our purpose, life is meaningless. In the end of time I will be six feet under and all that will be left of me is nothing. This that I see beautiful in the mirror is just a vessel and if the wall that closes in on me were to judge the vessel and not the captain that floats it, I don’t sail the shallow waters.”

She picks her tears which is now a white so pure, cleansed by the being so bright and beautiful. Something inside her radiated a blue to cure the tears so transparent to pure. She flings it around with a step, skip and a hop and her tears fly all around her and paint the wall of smiles and shares. The faces on the wall cannot take the purity of the tears and they fade into nothingness like the oceans of the constellation from a distance a glass of milk.

I see her, a recreated self. No identity for she sees herself the way she is and not. Pure sublime, every hair, every mole and the radiance of the skin, the warmth of her breath and the moist of her lips, pure and beautiful.  Death beats a retreat and the 10,000 souls in their pain play a brass band for a soul got saved.

Some nights she just lies naked with herself, surrounded by the whites of her walls. Shared a brilliance authentic of a self, that is her. The walls still have a few faces, smiling, she doesn’t mind these faces and there she finds her friends and LOVE.

dIscO dEEwAnE and all

Every once in a while I keep thinking about how far we have come. Just seeing the posts that I have on this blog I know I have come quite a bit from the time when I thought hard to find something to blog. But more importantly there is something else that has hit me hard about how far we have come along. The other day a friend of mine - Mr. Ganesh KPRS posted lyrics from November Rain (If you grew up in the 90s there would be no way you wouldn't have heard Guns and Roses NR). But here am not going to be talking about the English bands because here in India we had our own very version of Pop and Rock music. Ironically to start off, it all began with a Pakistani girl, the world's sweetheart - Nazia Hassan.

 In the 1980s along with her brother and music composer Biddu came out with hits like Disco Deewane (the SOTY version, though a tribute, is no where near the original in attitude and flavour.) -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-5h0BTMdMM

One would have also heard her angelic voice in songs from the film Qurbani. But what she really started was a movement of Pop and Rock in India. From then on the flood gates would open and many other singers with different flavours and origins would come on to make music. To start with is Remo Fernandes, I think one of the most interesting and talented musicians since the time when only classical music was considered good enough to be performed. Then came Remo and changed all of that with his hairdo, his attitude and his pure love for music. When it came to films he lent his voice to some amazing numbers but what really brings the greatness of the artist is when he performed live with Ustad Zakir Hussain for the 1999 Filmfare awards. If you do get to catch a recording of it you will be wowed by the expertise at which Remo matches up to the genius and mastery of Zakir Hussain.

All the music before the the 90s in India was only from feature films or classical renditions. There really wasn't much happening on the Pop and Rock front till in the 80s Nazia Hassan changed it all. Remo carried on from there and by the 90 there was a flood of musician making music. We had musicians like Shweta Shetty, Sunita Rao, Suchitra Krishnamurti and Alisha Chinoy doing regular girl pop music and then there was Bally Sagoo and Biddu doing the disco and party beats. And not to forget the one and only Baba Sehgal who brought his version of the desi rap. Some of the best numbers that still haunt me today are from this era.

By the mid 90s came a whole lot of musicians, including Junoon from Pakistan who brought hard hitting rock to popular music in India with Sayonee. There was Lucky Ali, Silk Route, Mehnaz, Anaida, etc. Along side them was also Sukhbir with his dance numbers that were a rage till the mid of 2000. But since 2000 there has once again been a downslide in the number of pop albums in Hindi. Rock in India seems more or less to be imitative of the western school and artists in the likes of Junoon don't seem to be coming our way.

I miss those years when I would wait for Doordarshan to play music from the pop scene in India. And then came MTV and it made us proud to see more music coming out. Shaan and Sagarika, Aryans, Shankar Mahadevan with is Breathless were making music, were making innovative music. But all this lasted only till 2000, maybe it did bleed a bit post 2000 but thats it. I miss those days when music was not limited to movies, esp when you think of the music from movies these days not being up to the mark.

check these out:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teZ6cR3hX6w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml1F8jnrbL4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNuL6aJMQ4o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3I5NosQk3Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFWjpYbLTjc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UD-Xaykwr6E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nKX-sUdEbE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Onu9y0BfCqY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71RRcv5Jci0

enjoy... I don't own the links above.

Searching for Emme

MISSING - ANY INFORMATION COMMENT

Where have you last seen him? What kind of a person? Do you have any information of him? Anything about him will be helpful, I am looking for him. 

brIng mE bAck

"Bring me back to the end...
          I heard it all and how it began.
Lives to break and bend
          She laughs at the pain we're in.

Soulfully alone she'd sit...
          plucks out petals in holy wait.
If he doesn't come back with it
          She'd laugh at his pain and fate.

So long was the yearning...
          that when it ends there isn't a drop.
Yesterday she picked a quarelling
          when all that was needed a gun go pop.

I don't want to hear them stories...
          Saddens the heart drives away glories.
Want to start afresh with world's out there
          Something to gladden with love that's fair.

The friends have gone, the back door's closed...
          The night's cold and windy to bone.
I am not going back to warmth and bode
          on things that friends and family are sewn.

Bring me to the end...
No more living to bend
Soul's cringed trying to fend
A birth and life waiting to end.

Don't want the sweet caress
of lovers and life's beauty dress
gleaming and streaming cheek on breast
No more touch or feel or love why the sweet caress?

Bring me to the end...
                                Want to start again.

Letter to My Lover

My Love,

Was years of pain and strife
      Before I saw a love and made you my wife
Cannot say we are fabled in love
      But glorious is what we'll share above.

Nothing compares to when you'd smile
      All pains and aches travel a mile
I can look at your beautiful eyes
      And cannot hold myself as time flies.

Your skin's too much for a man to take
      A lover would hold hard to fake.
A lifetime of happiness for you i pledge
      But today I have only pain at edge.

I am sorry for the doing is my own
      No lover as beautiful as you must go through.
The pain and strife that I have sown
      A life, a career, a jewel I have blown.

Your eyes in pain is more than I can take
      For our bed's gone cold and hard
Our live's torn apart and about to break
And all I can give you is the Best Lover's Award.

I wish to give you more
I wish life to give you some more
I pray that love sings songs of praise
To give a girl as pretty as you and its not only your face
Your heart, your breasts and the whiles of every little crest
My love... I love you but I have not been right to you.
Please forgive a love's failure.

Your husband.   

Some People want it ALL

Days go by and everyday wake up with a warrior's fervour only to lose it by night. The only thing that looks straight at me today is - I FUCKED UP

fucked up real bad... and it moves to times back when I might not have realised what was it that moved me, but I moved to this. Being fucked. I wish I could say a few encouraging things in the end of this blog and I hope for an insight as well... but what the heck. Never been one to make my feelings known and not gonna change that today... You who read this, will perhaps be the closest to knowing whats in my head...

I am 32 and I wish to die or disappear. Its easy. So easy that I won't do it, my bloody ego won't let me do something that's easy... BIG MISTAKE should have done it even if it was easy... saves you the heart ache later. But who is there to tell you about all this, they only speak about the birds and the bees. And I catch myself looking up everytime to see what is it that the birds and the bees are up to today. Silly little boy grew up in small town Begusarai, not recognised in maps trying to make a difference in worlds where they don't want small towners telling them what to do.

Walk on.

Shut up, Sit there, behave yourself, Is this how you behave, disappointing... NASTY... Thats what you are in the end of the day... and no amount of self flagellation will save the doomed. Redemption is for those born into it, not striving for it, and I top the list of no birth - NO PEDIGREE you see. born of multi races as they say... We are not the privileged ones in the world...

But well I guess its a lesson, don't look up, stay down... thats where it is you got to be.Don't lift yourself, your eyes... do not question, do not answer... expect none. (I don't even know when I started expecting) Today I will think of not where I sleep but to sleep at all. The question that bothered Hamlet was but just part of a play, and yet reflects so strongly in my life today... do i work for survival or look for the dream that I have, a dream that has no beginnings in India... Do I take help at all... Do I just shut up and do what everyone wants me to do... be a successful money making machine...

Today I contemplate life, my path and my death... lets hope something comes out of it, I so really want emancipation tonight.