Otherside

Years ago, before the seriousness of life and its consequences meant anything more than a grain of rice... it was something that i looked forward to not knowing why... The New Year.
These days its all about introspection, to look back at what passed by and what got left behind. This here is for everyone who has made a difference in my life. a turbulent one but all the same a life that i have lived to my fullest, not once regretting. Cheers to all you guys, may the coming year be fruitful, successful and every bit interesting.
Thoughts moving in speeds of light, leaving behind the very actions to follow the thoughts.
Days of sadness, of happiness, of fear, of solitude, of introspection, of love, of hate, of insecurity, of expectations, of misunderstandings... they're all gone, in a whiff... before we know it the countdown started and then its all done. The attacks at bombay, the deadlines, the relationships to keep up with, all left behind and now looking forward for a new beginning. The masks are all gone, packed and locked into seprate bags. New days to look forward to. Cricket matches, film reviews, extra money, new friends, new alliances, a new LIFE
Bring out the whiskey and champagne... the chocolates and cheese... the sausages are almost done and so are the salads... its time for the new bottles to be tried and tasted... new places...
I have no more regrets, my slate is clean and my adorations pure... the people i love will be blessed for i vow to be truthful, sans any masks... i love you guys way too much to let you go...
My journey through the woods will continue... my bikes are oiled and filled as usual. the journey will lead to places unknown where the party will go on... the woods are dark and deep and i have miles to go before i sleep
But thank the one for telephones for i will ignore my friends and family no more. my life is for you to feed on. my journey will go on but i will always update the very strength that drives me. with thoughts, of memories of physical beings and conversations, over coffee, over cigarettes, over drink and sometimes just under the night sky and moonlight.

signing off for 2008... have fun, have a great new year... drink, but don't get too drunk not to enjoy the party and if you do get drunk don't get behind the wheel.
Big hug and lots of love.

Emme24Frames

PUSH the ButTON, Its TIme tO GalVAnize

The other day i returned home to a very distressed flat mate who had spent time drinking down his thoughts. We have all been shaken by what had happened at The Taj in Mumbai and we all know that Mumbai will never be the same again. People who have not even been to the Taj were able to feel the it. Where are we going from here? 

The biggest question would be to the government. But can we really? What have we done, we vote them to power and now we are not even willing to support them to take the decisions to bring the people involved down. Is there something wrong with them, the politicians. Yes, but no again. They might not be the only ones to blame. There are the IAS and IPS people too. Do we crucify them all? Why?

Aren't we eqully to blame? Everytime something happens in Mumbai we pride ourselves with the fact that we are able to bounce back to reality within a day. But doesn't that show that we are cold to everything that is happening? We don't take a stand good enough to get the decision makers to do something about it. We have made them like that. they know that everything is going to be just fine the next day that we Mumbaikars wake up. 

On the 3rd i had attended the peace march at the Gateway of India. I hadn't seen so many people out on the same day, leaving work behind to be together. it almost felt like WoodStock came to India. but more importantly, it was the energy. Everyone wanted the same thing. Answers. Questions were asked. there were protests against each and every politician. but it got me thinking, how long can we keep this going?

Maybe the answer lies in the fact that we all came together. for long we have been divided and there are forces within the country that are still trying to divide us. From who we are to where we come from. The irony of the whole thing is that it took a terror attack to get us all together with a common voice against a common oppressor. Why do we need a tragedy to get us together? Why? Are we all so different from each other that we cannot see that we are the same. 

Its time to Push the button and take it to the next level. If it needs that strong decisions need to be taken then so be it. I am willing to be frisked everywhere i go so that we have a safer tomorrow. But what is more important that we kill the ideology of terrorism. Because that know nothing. No religion, no creed... its just a thought. we need to kill the thought. We need to stop the infighting and live peacefully. Give up our ego and live in peace. Accept our weaknesses and strive to strengthen the community. Or let us take a stand and fight once again - Fight for Freedom. Freedow from corruption, Terrorism, Communalism, Separatism and everything that is going to divide us.

Man In ThE MirrOr

"I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right"

I really am not a big fan of MJ, I used to love his music as a kid and kinda just grew out of his kind of music. But today i find myself listening to MJ. There is something about his music that tries to tell you about the world around and about harmony and about peace... why even think about all of this? Michael Jackson lived in a time when people needed that sense of confidence and hope and faith. A life that had to be brought up and elevated to a point where pain is only a distant dream.

Before my eyes flashed long lines drawn on an excel sheet, all colourful... it was giving me a headache just trying to look at this beautifully adorned schedule which i was racking my brains on. I had to finish this schedule or the whole world would have come crumbling down... I had a schedule, a reputation to live up to.  My personal life was crumbling, important life and death decisions needed to be taken. If I chose to wait, unacceptable, it had to be now. With all this in my head, surrounded all around by shit... here was the soldier of fortune trying to figure out a schedule for a film that was his ticket to the next stage. Bonus points (ka-ching)

Someplace else people ran for cover, riddled with bullets at a popular joint where they serve perfectly chilled beer and amazing meat. At a place well planned people fell to the ground bleeding when all they wanted was to board a train home after a long day's work. A mile away business deals were closing and new deals getting made to combat the "growing" economic recession. (BOOM - KABOOM) ring-a ring-a roses we all fall down.

The excel sheets mattered no more, the schedule completed mattered no more. The world mattered. For a brief period my life mattered. But like before it seemed just like a dream to be alive. How can the lives of so many mean nothing? How can there be so little regard to human blood? But terrorism is something that cannot be questioned because there are no answers.

But yes there are questions and they need answers. We need someone to be crucified for this. We need someone to blame. the govt., the people, the terrorists, the hotel security. The whole world seems like its going to the dogs... God does not exist or maybe he's just forgotten us... I still don't see reason in his existence anyway. I heard someone tell me that if we don't do our job properly in a corporate setup we are flushed out of the system... Whom do we flush out? let us exalt the terrorists, they did their job exceptionally well. Have we become so cold that we have to crucify??? Is there no solution?

I walk to the corner of my room and stand face to face with the man who has the answers to all  of this and I ask him these questions. And answers I demanded. I am not distressed, I had already known something like this would happen and I knew that this was just the beginning and that something bigger was on its way. But I needed answers for the questions that was bothering me. And the only thing I hear is:

I'm Staring With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place

Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

The answers to all of this is with us. We have voted our leaders to power, let us have faith for once instead of demanding results immediately.  Its easy to blame but what can we do? We can do a lot. spread a lot more love (if there is anything like that). Spread an ideology of peace. Its with all of us. We are mighty intolerant to everything about us and when something like this happens, its not the concern or the sympathy of the event but the fear of our own lives for which we need explanation for. can we all for once look at ourselves in the mirror and see how have we lived our lives. Everyday is a demand. We demand to live one more day, when we already know that that is one thing we should not demand because today is a gift, and thats why its called the present. We cannot demand gifts. We live. Nothing about us is real, its just a facade that is there. We live with masks on and believe its the truth. We forget in time that what we have is the present and that is something that no one can take from us. We have to live for that. 

i wanted to write something else but i guess i got only till here because there's so much to say and so much of thought, emotion but cannot. things need to be done. we need to support our people and help in every way to live. terror is faceless and they will always be powerful because of that. 

I Am GoinG HomE

Sometime Somewhere... I think really hard and my thoughts don't go any further. Somewhere thats where I am. Crawling through muck of previously dumped years of lies, of wearing masks, of trying to be someone else. I have put myself into this. Now the minds racing, the world is moving too fast, twisting, twirling, emotionless. I have numbed my thoughts so much that this stench, the muck means nuthing.

The other day, driving to office, we get hit by a speeding motorist. I didn't even bat an eyelid. It seemed routine to go, check his pulse and see if he's alive. Luckily he was alive, unconscious, but alive. It would have taken a whole packet of cigarettes, and thoughts to have calmed me a few years back. but well, i just sat next to him in the car and kept speaking to him to keep him awake. and i spoke like it affected me not a bit, and it actually didn't.

Now the mucks all over me, drowning me. My lungs have gotten filled with it. There is the yellow hard ones from work. The brown sticky ones from my personal life. Yes you know which personal life. there is the really oily glistening one from my financial life... a whole lot of shit that i was carrying around. and now when i sit amidst all of this; the one thing that strikes me - Why the Fuck did i Hold on to so much when it was just a matter of a flush away? What the Fuck was i thinking?
And now surrounded by it all, a thought occurs... bail out dude...
bail out????
*The one with the all knowing eye, winks the only eye he has...*
*In the quiet, stillness and cold of the night, i watch with awe the singular eye wink at me... "Is he trying to tell me something???" Or "Is he mocking me, me surrounded by my own shit..."
retch retch retch
And i actual loathe every bone every muscle every tissue that makes me... I can pour out the very blood that runs cold within the veins, so cold that it emits warmth... false warmth... warmth that is comparative, relative... ha ha ha - bullshit.
Thats what it comes to, bull shit - false promises, but like in bloody hell, who promises anything??? you count everyday, every hour, looking for redemption and then one wonders what went wrong??? (For Sanity's sake wake up... there's nothing wrong) Wasn't it me who looks at everything like just another issue to be tackled??? there is nothing that can go wrong... Face the shit... stop sitting around in it trying to warm that cold blood... maybe someone should tell you that even a straight slap to the face can warm the blood...
The next thing he wakes up sweating... not surrounded by shit anymore... but was it to mean anything. the accident really happened. He was indeed surrounded by shit all over. the world is in recession, the salaries seem slow and frustrating, the one who should understand doesn't. Its time to break free... he sits straight on the bed... next to a T, a pack of cigarettes, rolling paper, a glass of port wine, a bottle of whiskey, a sketch book and charcoal, a guitar behind... he picks up the phone... something that should have been done long ago...
"Hello, I am going home... to the place I belong..."
Freedom at last... the rest, and nothing else matters.

NoThInG

I am fucked...

I have nothing...

Its all empty...

I couldn't ask for more

Wouldn't need anything less

I am fucked...

I have nothing

Nothing

Keep On FaLLinG

The man without a face moves slowly towards the end of the room, through out groping, stretching, reaching... he nears the wall at the other end. The struggle is almost done, what with all the shards of glass on the floor from all the thrashing that he did before sanity creeped in and took over his senses, to calm him and make him think rationally. He reaches the Wall.

Pushes forward to see if it's a door, an exit into the world with light. (Somebody tell him there are lights in the room, its just that he's faceless; ignorant to the light).

The first sign of a door, he pushes, he thrusts, he kicks, it doesn't budge. * where is the light, divine intervention, the beauty that i have been promised???* (somebody tell him its still the wall, is he so cut in the palms that he can't feel the coldness of the wall?!)

He keeps thrashing about, looking for the door... Nuthin.

Sometimes you just get way to claustrophobic, you need to break free, escape from the world that you live in. Escapism? I call it survival.

Sitting in my cell, staring at numerous boxes lined in straight rows and columns. Selecting preset formulas, using them like there's no tomorrow...never even once stopping to think that running a programme would be much simpler. But well we live in a world that is blinded by our own facelessness... optimising work does not end with the formulas in your excel sheet.

Drifting... this numbness, this feeling of heightened hyper activity, this over growing impatience to want to complete this blog. Thoughts moving at the speed of... now that i think of it, I don't really know or care how fast my thoughts are moving...

COming back to the faceless man.

Moving fast, in a city with blinding lights... trying to keep pace with whats around us. SOmetimes stopping to wonder, and thats when we see how far we have reached and have not really realised it. With all the problems around created in the time when we were thrashing around. And yet we stop to question what went wrong?

It had to be something that went wrong to have created all the mess. It cannot be you, you have it all planned. All th pain and all the sacrifices yuo make, it can't boil down to this that you chose the wrong alley to make the turn... or you accelerated too fast for the bend... or you baked your cookies even before heating the oven (here i go becoming judgemental again... somebody tell me to stop it)

Expecting the other to do it... we all got ourselves stretched out palms facing outward... like our facelessman trying to push open a wall... if the door gave way???!! We are all pushing, no one really taking up the responsibility. I always believe its never the goal that we need to concentrate on but the journey... I am too tired to write more...

I wriTe SinS nOt tRAGEDies

Well, here I am back, writing my thoughts, thinking my words and all this usual bull shit. Out here to pen my thoughts, hope that someone is going to read it maybe have some sympathy and some would leave a note behind. I couldn't be more self-centered.
These days its a whole different world that I am living in. Life has a whole lot of turns out there just waiting for me to miss the signs, to slip and never to get back up again. But wouldn't that be a very pessimistic way of looking at it?? Maybe!!! I am content in living in denial (read optimism) that everything is going to be alright and someday I shall be able to walk down my wilderness... (For the sake of Life... Stop making these things up in your head... there is no such thing as a WildernEss PlanneD for you...You just die and ThaTs it...end of STory)
I am not one to have belief in religion nor am I an atheist. I can call myself an agnostic... but what the fuck!!! You already found yourself something to console yourself with. Everything about it, my living in denial, creating for myself a wilderness, everything... doesn't that make me want to believe in religious preachings???
I don't know and am not sure if I would want to know right now.
I have taken way too many turns in my life and am raring to take a whole lot more of them... I would have easily taken the highway. the road is straight, I hve the things i need from cigarettes to whiskey (unless i am driving down to Gujarat, but lets not get into that). But I still chose to drive through the mountains, and still don't know the road I am on. The one thing I am dead sure is and that is where the road is taking me...
Its like a long drive, long enough for a strong back to start creaking at the end of a segment. The roads are not wide but they are clearly visible. Green trees line the meandering and serpentining beauty of asphalt laid some aeons ago... the roads not breezy but its not sunny. Its not cool but its not hot... Its dark almost black and every 50 metres the roads winds into this monstrosity of a hairpin... its almost like the mountains were the head of this enormous woman with loads of hair pins to hold the trees from falling one over the other.
At each bend there is always this glimpse of a valley, of a ravine, of a cliff, of a river, of a waterfall and sometimes of a broken vehicle and some remnants of a broken rider. But each bend taught me something different. Sometimes i would see the valley and would stop and thing thats thats the wilderness i am heading to. but then when you think hard, isn't it the road thats making you want to stop... you are tired... the rides been long and winding... you need to stop... that place looks good to stop... you look around and miraculously you find a path of some dried stream that would take you straight to the valley. You look through the path, it widens out... and you already know there have been others, and there's a party out there in the valley... Now thats where I want to be!!
I start to get my gear out and ready to make my way down...
the place is good, there's alot for everyone. I learn a whole lot of new things, open my mind to different possibilities. Find a treasure which i hold onto dearly. But then suddenly i begin to miss the road, the bike (yes i was on a bike, why else would i talk about a creaking back), the good times of searching, of looking for answers, of singing, of being one, of the different other turns... this is not the first, best or last turn... THIS IS NOT MY WILDERNESS!!!
And so I pack and leave from the back door, as I always did. Not because there is something to hide, because I am scared... I am afraid to let everyone know, for them to bid me farewell, I am scared that I will have to come back or just never leave and never find my WilDerNess. I fear that I will lose my ride... and I know somewhere if I get stuck, the very ride that has got me this far to this valley will be rusting somewhere on the side of a turn on a meandering serpentining asphalt, next to a path that was once a stream , and if it rested long enough to rust the stream would once again flow... and I will remain on the valley and my ride would die.
So I pick my bags and leave behind everything I began to enjoy.
Its like a long drive, long enough for a strong back to start creaking at the end of a segment. The roads are not wide but they are clearly visible. Green trees line the meandering and serpentining beauty of asphalt laid some aeons ago... the roads not breezy but its not sunny. Its not cool but its not hot... Its dark almost black and every 50 metres the roads winds into this monstrosity of a hairpin... its almost like the mountains were the head of this enormous woman with loads of hair pins to hold the trees from falling one over the other.
I have since moved through every type of scenery, stopped at valleys, ravines, lakes, streams... and here i go again in search of my Wilderness. I have accomlpished a few things and have a lot more to do. Have a long way to ride and my back will creak for the last time when I find my wilderness. I can wait and cos I know where the road is headed, though I don't know the road.

My bags are packed once again... There are a couple of things that needs to be done... The ride is checked, its oiled... the roads a callin and i'll be on my way... The WilDerNess is calling and the partys a calling but one will be left behind cos the other's way too important for me...

Watch

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-xQeBzDXh8

You're Frozen when Your Hearts not Open

I feel great.
It's been a long time since i felt something as close to this.
Work is still the same hectic and going in all directions. You could say I am falling apart, my life is falling apart. I am totally burning myself out. But i am happy.

There seems to be way too much of beauty around. I was all set to move on, all i saw was the negativity growing within me, the frustration and anger and nothing to complete the feeling. All this mindless thinking and all this negative energy was somehow making me miserable and kept me rooted... options, something i always prided myself with, seemed to slowly vanish, disappear out of sight. It slowly began to feel like the whole world was closing up and shutting down. Or maybe itwas just me.

Emotions and circumstance where do they lead you? Why does it sometimes happen that you suddenly feel like the whole world has plotted against you and that everything that you are going to do, the outsome seems evident? Kept thinking about it. I could convince myself that it is all fate, light up a few candles and believe that everything is going to e okay, that someone out there will listen to mortal prayers and send forth and angel to lift the soul to a higher plane... donno if that really happens unless you on some really weird acid trip... rather good one...

but maybe there really isn't anything, its just in the head. Think hard. Think really hard. Can you disassociate yourself from yourself? Can you kill yourself?

I just did.

I belive and now i am sure that if you can see yourself from a different perspective a completely different parallel consciousness. Answers seem to flow in. Its when you're frozen that your hearts not open. You need to free them mind. The world seems a whole lot more beautiful and ready for challenges... answers to questions asked before are all out there... Options... something that helps me out are back... and today i dance and dine and drink with them.

Its a LittLe BiT FunnY

Not long ago, I nearly packed up, wrapped up and planned a leave. I had been moving in concentric circles, not reaching anymore. The attitude made it worse. Nothing seemed like it was working and nothing would have worked, cos in me, just within me, i had already made it so.

I walked straight, I walked head held high, I walked towards the good and stretched out my hand. Nothing to hold.

Like swimming in the dark and you reach out to hold the edge of the swimming pool, when you were actually swimming in the ocean. There's nothing to hold on to and you're still trying to grab. grasp. hold.

And then i discovered beauty. Matchless to anything on Earth. Sublime. Pure. Sweet. Evil. Wet. Everything that the world keeps you away from. At a dingy corner of a parking lot i was popping in some bubble gum and blowing hard to stretch my imagination to a level of unconscious consciousness of ethereal thoughts of mind games. The wilderness was nigh and I didn't have to do anything about it.

Life has changed, with just half a bottle of water and a sugar cube. Beauty unsurpassed. Sounds that are so elvish and pure, you'd believe fairies holding on to you, cuddling and whispering 'you're safe now, everything's gonna be fine.' The lights seemed...seemed. no source. not even the sun. Just a heavenly ray to lift you high and suspend you. The ancestors and teachers and the power of the IS holding on to you... suspending you taking you higher than the reach of the meanest dragon and troll. Peace, Love, Ease, Beauty and Safe. At ease.

12 hours and the bubble popped. My life has changed.

Line Production = Managing Creativity (read egos)

Well, for a long time now i have really been contemplating a move that i had ought to have done 6 months ago, and here i am still contemplating. A procrastinator. Lost in world of his own... it was way too obvious where you were going but the man had to be the dude, who'd think that everything goes your way cos he's got the power to change the whole world... the confidence to move a mountain, or at least bore it to death... dry out a sea. all too powerful.
but now convictions seem more like thoughts, disturbing. does it really need to be done. why can't people understand? or am i demanding too much. i would still go with the latter when everything around points to the earlier.
got to move on. life doesn't end...here. I have created a monster in trying to be all so powerful. a monster that is too big for me to handle, and now the same monster is out to get me. but i will be confident the same way i was... smile within, frown from the outside... face the shit and be sure to die.

Fear of the DARK

Fear of the Dark…

“I am a man who walks aloneAnd when I'm walking a dark roadAt night or strolling through the parkWhen the light begins to changeI sometimes feel a little strangeA little anxious when it's dark.”

Starting lines from one of my favourite songs – Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden.

What is that one fears most?

The song talks about fear of the dark, of being stalked, followed… the same way, what is it that is most feared? I am afraid of many things – confrontation being one of them, but that’s something one can deal with, I have dealt with. The dark?

So what is it that one fears most?

Way too many questions!

Today I really got irritated, quite irritated, almost on the verge of anger I would have thought. But I guess it wasn’t anger. Something worse than that! Anger can be directed, but what I felt today wasn’t directed. Just an outburst!

And now I begin to fear!

Within myself, in my mask, in my everyday garb, I see brightness happiness light. Almost living in denial, in other words in an air of positivity and optimism. Tear that mask out and try to be original and yourself…

Walk slow… shhh… is that something that is there that I hear.
Or am I just imagining it in my mind.
Am I going crazy? Am I demanding too much?
I just want to be real and understood.
Am I demanding too much?

Line Production when I think about it is the worst job one can ever have in a creative whore house of multiple creative orgasms and gasps of practicality and reality. Why would one want to stand and watch when the art and part in itself, alone – the amalgamation, conglomeration, union – is so beautiful? Why spoil it? I have a job… is that reason good enough. Today I have it, the day it goes beyond what I can bear… I’ll rip it apart and throw it down… bite it and spit it, with so much disdain, even Beelzebub will bite his lip in pain.

I am questioned day and night; yes I spend nights in office when I should be partying, am I cutting too much slack? I need to be tougher with the guys. Look realistically at things.
Maybe I have… have you frigging thought about it???

Why don’t you get people to do their work on time? Why isn’t he working? Can’t you see we can run things parallel… monster sized bollocks and whole load of shit… have you tried doing that?

Ok the air’s getting warmer or is it someone breathing in my face? I try to think. Nothing!
I try to take the step forward. Reach out. Is there someone there? I cannot feel. I can feel within myself a dragon breathing fire and pounding and struggling an eager urge to break free. Or is it my heart?

Frustration creeps in when least expected. You might not seem like the kind of guy who might lose it to frustration. But it eats up into your system like a worm, a virus, a disease. And before you know it…

Fear I fear! My hearts pounding, my lungs are gasping for air. The place is cold but my lungs are burning, for want of air. I am shivering but I am sweating. My eyes are open, pupils dilated but I cannot see. I reach out and cannot feel. I try to speak but cannot be heard. I try to reason out but cannot be understood.
Fear drives me crazy, I run amuck in the darkness searching for some light, some reassurance, the same that I felt. Betrayal! He pulled me into it.

…It spews out throwing you off guard and everyone around you. It comes out in the form of anger, anger misguided… born from the burning beginnings of frustration of wanting to be understood. Why would I want to be felt understood?
I never had that feeling before… that’s new! Never needed for people to understand me! Have I torn out that mask that protected me, like a gladiator in a roman arena fighting so that only the glistening skin pronounced his muscle and his greatness while the mask covered the pain of the game he plays? Death!

Pick the mask up… you need to put up the brave face. Everything is maya. And I wear the mask. MY TIME SHALL COME TO REIGN.

And everything turns bright infront of my eyes and I am not afraid anymore. I can see everyone and I can see what they are thinking. I fear no more. The pain returns as before, the pain of wanting to break free out of this Iron Maiden that holds me firm. The pain is unbearable, but I am not afraid anymore.

In sadness I put my head down.

Alas I have fear of the dark!