Fear of the DARK

Fear of the Dark…

“I am a man who walks aloneAnd when I'm walking a dark roadAt night or strolling through the parkWhen the light begins to changeI sometimes feel a little strangeA little anxious when it's dark.”

Starting lines from one of my favourite songs – Fear of the Dark by Iron Maiden.

What is that one fears most?

The song talks about fear of the dark, of being stalked, followed… the same way, what is it that is most feared? I am afraid of many things – confrontation being one of them, but that’s something one can deal with, I have dealt with. The dark?

So what is it that one fears most?

Way too many questions!

Today I really got irritated, quite irritated, almost on the verge of anger I would have thought. But I guess it wasn’t anger. Something worse than that! Anger can be directed, but what I felt today wasn’t directed. Just an outburst!

And now I begin to fear!

Within myself, in my mask, in my everyday garb, I see brightness happiness light. Almost living in denial, in other words in an air of positivity and optimism. Tear that mask out and try to be original and yourself…

Walk slow… shhh… is that something that is there that I hear.
Or am I just imagining it in my mind.
Am I going crazy? Am I demanding too much?
I just want to be real and understood.
Am I demanding too much?

Line Production when I think about it is the worst job one can ever have in a creative whore house of multiple creative orgasms and gasps of practicality and reality. Why would one want to stand and watch when the art and part in itself, alone – the amalgamation, conglomeration, union – is so beautiful? Why spoil it? I have a job… is that reason good enough. Today I have it, the day it goes beyond what I can bear… I’ll rip it apart and throw it down… bite it and spit it, with so much disdain, even Beelzebub will bite his lip in pain.

I am questioned day and night; yes I spend nights in office when I should be partying, am I cutting too much slack? I need to be tougher with the guys. Look realistically at things.
Maybe I have… have you frigging thought about it???

Why don’t you get people to do their work on time? Why isn’t he working? Can’t you see we can run things parallel… monster sized bollocks and whole load of shit… have you tried doing that?

Ok the air’s getting warmer or is it someone breathing in my face? I try to think. Nothing!
I try to take the step forward. Reach out. Is there someone there? I cannot feel. I can feel within myself a dragon breathing fire and pounding and struggling an eager urge to break free. Or is it my heart?

Frustration creeps in when least expected. You might not seem like the kind of guy who might lose it to frustration. But it eats up into your system like a worm, a virus, a disease. And before you know it…

Fear I fear! My hearts pounding, my lungs are gasping for air. The place is cold but my lungs are burning, for want of air. I am shivering but I am sweating. My eyes are open, pupils dilated but I cannot see. I reach out and cannot feel. I try to speak but cannot be heard. I try to reason out but cannot be understood.
Fear drives me crazy, I run amuck in the darkness searching for some light, some reassurance, the same that I felt. Betrayal! He pulled me into it.

…It spews out throwing you off guard and everyone around you. It comes out in the form of anger, anger misguided… born from the burning beginnings of frustration of wanting to be understood. Why would I want to be felt understood?
I never had that feeling before… that’s new! Never needed for people to understand me! Have I torn out that mask that protected me, like a gladiator in a roman arena fighting so that only the glistening skin pronounced his muscle and his greatness while the mask covered the pain of the game he plays? Death!

Pick the mask up… you need to put up the brave face. Everything is maya. And I wear the mask. MY TIME SHALL COME TO REIGN.

And everything turns bright infront of my eyes and I am not afraid anymore. I can see everyone and I can see what they are thinking. I fear no more. The pain returns as before, the pain of wanting to break free out of this Iron Maiden that holds me firm. The pain is unbearable, but I am not afraid anymore.

In sadness I put my head down.

Alas I have fear of the dark!