Remembering

Thats a design I did.

Nuthing really for me to log. But it's been a while since i posted anything so thought i'd just put something down... Don't want me losing touch on writing.

Life's been the same old, office-home routine. Productions seem to be coming in like an overflowing river and had to go on a hiring spree.

Almost lost touch with my dear ones and am just getting back to them. Almost killer refreshing just to get back to life.

I Love my Life and I love everyone thats part of it.

Just wanted to give a BIG HUG to everyone...

Lots of love and big hugs this christmas, this year the party will mean a lot. Mistletoe or no. drink or no. I will remember everyone and party with them, thats whats gonna make my christmas and New Year special. You'll all be in my heart.

Signing out for this year 2007...

lots of love to old friends and the hugs and kisses to the new ones...

ME

Momentary lapse of Reason

A couple of times or more, really cannot tell, I have always wondered do we really know what we are doing, where we are going, whats our destiny, who we are?



Solo i would think i was made to be, and here i am planning and making a team. Working with a team for the team. Funny how life moves on. Just the other day i got a courier from home, an opportunity to go to the US as part of an exchange program. It would have gotten me all excited about it on any given day. But i never got to filling up the form.

I had made up my mind to quit the company a couple of months back, and had even gone to the extent of typing out my resignation letter. But never got to quitting.

A momentary lapse of reason??

Why?

There should be a reasonable answer to this madness.

Who am I?

What am I?

What is it that I have to do before I walk down the wilderness?

silence... patience and perseverence... the answers are all there to see... now all you need to do is contemplate on it, think about how to tackle them... and then act...
before you know it...
the Wilderness... beauty...

And TheRe weRe SomE...

-15 - 14 - 13 - 12 - ...-5 - 4 - 3 . Three were free to leave, but chose not to.

Started with 15 animators working for various production and now i am down to 3 working for 3 large size productions.

sometimes i think to myself... life has become way to mechanical its like my everyday work at the edit table... you need to show me a couple of shots and i'll tell you the best place to place the cut and intercut, or place a transition... no sweat.

you make a mistake you could always press ctrl Z and undo whatever you did.

What if life were actually scenes being cut on an editing table. how far can we ctrl z if the preset is at 20?

i am left with 3 animators, deadlines looming and a good deal of back log... can i hit ctrl z?!?!

WeIrd ImpERfection

its funny how some conversations start somewhere and ultimately a day or two after the whole incident when you look back, you hardly believe where you started from and where you've reached.
i was walking down the cobbled street in the wee hours of the moonlit night. Funny the way the moon shone on the rain moistened stones. the place never looked so beautiful before, almost gothic, almost like a scene from a heavy metal music video...dark. It is in this very same place i met old friends, made new ones and erased a few from my life, never to think of them ever again.
today i see someone i made friends in this very same place, overlooking the sea, with street lights lining the boulevard. there she was sitting on a bench, looking at the sea, the waves pushing a buoy about, toying with it. i notice something eerily beautiful, almost evil about the way the sea pushed the buoy around...
As i pass behind her i comment on the sea and the buoy, ' now thats uniquely beautiful.' and i walk on, knowing that she's heard it and maybe someday we'll talk about it when she's alone. i walk a couple of strides forward, the food and drink got to be digested even though i'd tell everyone it here i get my inspiration.
'great there is somebody who likes weird angles' she says from behind.
i wonder why would she say something like that. She quickly follows by saying 'you really find the angle weird?'
what is weird? just the way you'd want to look at it. no matter how imperfect our lives churn out to be... i walk back to where she is sitting and stand aside facing the sea... if yuo look carefully you'd see the horizon even in the moonlight.
People think you're weird... but i am doing something weird right now staring at a horizon not visible. here we go 2 people out to escape the world they live in, no one really knows the other apart from the occasional meetings at the boulevard. Weird... or is it???!!!
she tells me how she is inclined to becoming the personification of imperfection...
this starts up a conversation.
funny how conversations start at someplace and end at a cobble stoned boulevard, glistening in the moonlight, breezy with the night wind from posiedon's own lungs, tranquil with mist hovering above the streets with no names.
i came here to get some exercise, i had my own thoughts running through my head... introverted imbecile was actually out there to vent out some frustration and kick an empty beer can... but today it is different... its not about me today, its about her. i sit wait to listen and be part of this imperfect weirdness.
stories, questions and weirdness was shared tonight, misty and quiet... interests and views were exchanged and solutions were offered... later to realise that the very same issues i was trying to help her with apply to me. she seems happy with what i had to offer. a compliment makes me feel weird - ' do u knw that ur a stress-buster...'
no i didn't and have lived most of my life with a hell load of stress. so what am i doing here? i wish i could think of all this for myself and ease myself out, and wouldn't have to go this boulevard to find solace and to court with the stillness of the rough seas. this is the place where i come to search for myself, i don't want to walk down the wilderness finally not having realised who i truly am. but today i find myself exploring another side, a lost side... a weird imperfection?
NOT!!!!

Can I Escape This Irresistable Grasp??!!??

how many of you play freecell on yer PC...try playing game number 11982...lemme know if you guys have reached anywhere.
It's been a rollercoaster ride for me these past few weeks, no no months. Everyday it seems like the pressures gonna make me explode and all i'll have is a body and nuthing else. Sanity would be past. A letter of resignation sits on my desktop just waiting to be forwarded. but then i have always done that with all the other jobs i have been in.
But something stops me. Challenges. Love. Life. Accomplishment. Money...
Just a few weeks ago while working on a very important account with really sensitive clients, i get a call from one of my most favourite people. She forces me to apply for a scholarship, something i never would have seen me doing. But i did, maybe looking for greener meadows, maybe because i needed to get myself out of this shit-hole that i find myself in everyday, maybe i needed to escape...
But i wanted so eagerly to get through once i got a call for the interview. I didn't get through... but what i did accomplish in my trip to Delhi was bonding.
I was able to meet Ritu, Ahjun and Poo, Oma, some friends from school i was meeting after 9 years and one after 13 years... and above all to spend time with Prasanna and Avanti... Two very dear people for me.
The life that i have got myself into has rendered me hopeless. Hopeless in terms of not being able to be in touch with the people that matter the most to me. A sinner, thats what it makes me. People i love. And yes it does matter in the long run. No matter how much you try to keep yourself away, they are your strenght in the end of the day.
The same reason to why i ultimately took up applying for the scholarship was to quit my present job, but the same trip got me back to work, wanting to work, wanting to prove myself. Make everyone feel so proud of me. And nuthin else matters.
I dream everyday...dreams being part of my life...some scary, some eye-opening, some pleasant... I dream of getting lost in a wilderness where i am happy...all alone in the wilderness... living a life that i want to live.
But friends, loved one's pull me back. i hate you all for that. But i love you more for being who you are and being that way for me and with me. I truly love you guys and this goes out to all of my friends. I really want to go get lost in the wilderness but HOW CAN I ESCAPE THIS IRRESISTABLE GRASP??!!?? i guess there is a time for everything, this life is for you...i'll get my wilderness in the afterlife.

Breathe in The AIR

NO matter how the monsoons renders mumbai completely unfriendly, you really cannot live without commenting on how it changes things around you. yesterday was a terrible day with work and all the deadlines, office tensions, creative blocks, etc seemed to be brimming in you...and then you hear the sound of thunder and lightening... you need to collect the latest comics from the printers and package it for delivery...work still in your head, in your veins...occupying every cell that carries your DNA. you rush out and take the bike to the printers...give them the cheque, sign the voucher and with the prints you got to ride back to office...and then you begin to smell the rain and the winds slowly pick up...got to rush.you ride like the wind, like a mad man...just as you reach office, it begins to pour...you need to get the comics packaged...but you stop as soon as you plac ethe prints on the cutting table just so that you can walk out and see the downpour...feel a few drops on your brow...and then suddenly it all changes.you no longer feel the tensions, you don't care about the deadlines because you are sure it will be met...no matter how unrealistic it may sound. and before you know it, everyone in the office slogging their ass off are standing with you enjoying the first monsoon shower.evrything has changed...attitudes have changed and nowwe smile.4 hours later 2 hours past midnight we despatch the comic, and the next film seems like a challenge worth fighting for, no matter the odds...fight even though death is evident...fight to finish the most. amazing!

OnE StEp CloSeR

One Step Closer to the edge...

Managing work and resources has like been a complete eye opener, a window into my own life, into the very heart of darkness that should be me...

And definitely the Heart of Darkness... A friend once told me about ACID. If you needed to go on an acid trip, the only thing to prepaer yourself for the trip is to free your mind, or it takes you to the other side of the world, the netherworld... Seriously, you don't really need to do it to really understand the impact of how a screwed up life weighs on you.
Its difficult to eat, sleep, meet with friends, to relax...its difficult to bloody answer calls, cos you know when you do that, you wouldn't want to talk and if you did, you'd sound like a grouch...well you'd sound like a grouch anyway.
when i took up this job, i knew i was gonna push myself, just to see how far i can go... i have gone far, i have pushed my limits... but i am not made for this stuff... i have made it look like i am the right person for the job... but it doesn't matter, cos inside you you know its not meant for you... and now, how i long for the numbness to fill my brains, my body, my very soul and take me one step closer to the wilderness, i am way beyond the edge... have already jumped.
your mind has to be clear if you wanna do acid, or its gonna screw your brains out and freak you out like a horror show... i'd say, push your limits, take yourself one step closer to edge and you'll experience it...
what with managing your personal life, with all its demands... your professional life, with all its demands, your own life has its demands but no time left... aren't u already one too many steps closer to the edge... can we ever say, 'need time out for myself.' thats eutopian...
i am resigned and am gonna take it as it comes, i am done living the life i want... thats never gonna happen...
i am shackled waist down by relationships and waist up by work... i am gonna break soon and then it'll be too late to walk down the wilderness...
SAVE ME!!!

Give me My Voice NoW

Silent...
I do not love...
Silent

How Should I...

So many nights have i spent wondering and watching for a sign that would instill enough confidence in me to go ahead with what i have.
Sitting alone for long hours in the city's popular boulevard wondering in which direction i should go...
concious contemplations and perilous points to ponder.

I know the one who calls me brother is going through a tough time, I need him to find peace, solace and a life befitting someone who can call me brother. But how do i console him? The one that matters the most is far far away in perhaps the same dilema and really not able to comprehend on what course of action should be applied. I hear of it and i really want to do something, but no. There is hardly anything to be done, the rest is revolutionary. How does one reason with a broken heart and a paining conscience that screams the one name that should generally react to a whisper! Whisper a prayer, whisper it in ears to hear, whisper it so ages beyond should never have to wait for the whisper. Love, is it so blind to pain, that it drives the very inners to pour out with so much of vengeance that relative thinking and reasoning would seem like an enemy assault!
But that is not the way of the one that calls me brother. And that pains more for a brother. How should I tell him what I think should be done? How should i tell him of a love so pure that it later binds you to hate? How should I tell him that it will only turn to obsession and will later turn him mad? How should I tell him that all that i think is wrong? How should I...

I know the one that called me lover is somewhere thinking of a comeback. When over here in the midst of all my work I think of nothing else than what is there to see. Complains of hiding behind masks and loads of work just so that situations, thoughts, memories and nights spent together are blinded and locked up in some closet fall to ears of friends and of more friends. But I see it different. No pain. No blood. No tears. No feelings. A heart bled to full, does it bleed anymore? Does a mind lost and seperate and changed be wrong in saying no more? I don't want any of this anymore. Happiness. How should I tell the one that called me a lover that it's not me anymore? How should I tell the one that called me a lover that there is none to look forward too, when the minds at work and the heart's gone for a stroll in a psychedelic trance wilderness? How should I say that I love no more? How should I say that expectations of a life wasn't really expectations but a requiem of a dream? How should I...

I know the one that calls me dude/friend/brother is in pain and smiles when the rest of the world with ails of such would be counting days. A love that is fathomless seems hard to imagine and easy to dream. A love that there was is now gone because of times when someone had to choose. Does choice make a relation seem like a test? yes, I believe so. Broken and out, physically and in heart yet there is a glimmer of hope that the one that calls me DFB has to get me and the one that called me lover back again. I hate myself for bringing expectations for a dream. I love the one that calls me DFB but cannot take the choice that is offered because it moves me against all. How should I tell the one that calls me DFB that all love is lost and only a new one can enter? (beep you're out of the game) How should I say that all i care about is the malignant inners and that I hardly care for the cancer that has us all? How should I...

One has a love but has been moved away and longs a reunion, if not for forces of the underwind. One has broken away from the love of a good one and is trying to cement a relation. One has no love even when someone wants a reunion. One.

How should I go about this one?

GaStroNomic RambLinGs

aaaaahhhhh!!!!

sitting late at night burning the midnight oil
forgotten how the sun feels and the smell of moist soil.
slowly moving to the edge of the world,
wondering about the end and all the gold.

foooooooddd....
aaaaahhhhh!!!!

let me tell you the story of old
how a man and his woman found some gold.
all across the country side would they be spoken of
how a man and his woman got rich and took off.

off to the city where the blinding lights are strings and streams
where men and women look alike; riding their fancy carts on high beams.
where houses and towers look alike
'aaaaahhhh,' to his woman said mike.

aaaaahhhhh!!!!
under the cities, where rivers clean as vulcan's home run
under a rampart that smelled like a skunk.

city life is amazing, you got dogs here and you got dogs there...
what am i talking about, am i losing it or is it just the uncertaintity....
aaaaaahhhh...stop this crap...listen to you!!!
you don't make sense you miserable piece of a pretentious philosopher...
your mask is wearing out, they can see through and now you feel naked...standing at the marketplace...

aaaaaahhhhh!!!
hey you wouldn't have minded the nakedness on other days, so why cover up? too many masks and too many lies... be yourself, even if its just for a day... stop the smile...you look worst than the queen's jester... mister.

why...don't you have anything better to do than read these mindless rantings of a hungry soul???

UNSPOKEN DREAMS

Darkness and solitude...my friends i call upon you now to help me out...
this world hard to bear and easily misleading...
give me the muse and the fire to rekindle my snuffed life...
Depressed am I?... I daren't answer this rhetoric...
PULL THE TRIGGER, SLASH A VEIN, JUMP, DROWN...
thats too easy...
My life is an irony, a total contradiction... i need my life... i don't want my life... i want to end it... but it's too easy... i want something challenging...mmmm... death you can't give me that... LIFE well you are already too challenged yourself.

All HAil ThE SlAVe KIng

unfair deal...
the loved one that suffered, the loved one that suffered, the loved one that suffered, the loved one that suffered, the loved ONE that suffered, the loved one that suffers.
unfair deal...
let me suffer...
painful existence painful existence...
''shut up and F*$#ing smile you don't want to share your pain...
smile and don't give me your pain''

smile smile smile, smiling cheshire what have you got to hide, hide a hide thats hidden behind a coat infested with fleas... smile that fakeness, that fantastical ''its a beautiful day''(have you heard of such a thing?)
the loved one made you smile (don't tell me... you spent the rest of the time contemplating closure and death)

ENTER the mighty warrior...
he is tired and battle laden, sweat on his brow an unshaven mess. His beloved happy goes up and picks him by his elbow from his throne...and into his eyes she looks, eagerly, wanting so badly, craving to lecherous levels...

''lets go shopping my dear''

'The King is a slave, all hail the king, all hail the king, all hail the king'

quiet... QUIET...sshhh.
Can you hear what i hear?
quiet....
sshhh...

lets be silent... lets be silent... lets be silent says the king, we already in the wilderness at peace in elysium....
SCREAMMMMMM my queen, but no one to hear you just me... here in elysium.

the King shuts his eyes, his job is done...he doesn't need to go shopping... the film's been made and the loved one can retire... close your eyes, the shopping can wait... elysium and the chance to go for the gig, once in a lifetime...
he closes his eyes and in the wilderness he walks, hand in hand with the musical likeness, of love and accomplishment, of music and meditation, of love and peace...
the war (read life) is over.
ELYSIUM

Solitary in the Wilderness

Sometimes one wonders if what the present holds is a means to our future. Does it lead us to where we set out to go? Where we go is that the place we really want to go? Will we be disappointed with what we end up with, with all the gigantic expectations that we shoulder, heavier than Atlas’s load!

In my solitude and wanderings, into wildernesses generally uncharted, I begin to think. Am I really who I am? Am I really what I am? Will I end up being the person I set out to be?

I fought anger, tried to be different and not get angry. I can confidently say that it would take a catastrophe to get me angry. I set out to be like that but am I right? Am I going in the right direction? I wonder sometimes! Once when an auto went over my foot I just went over to the driver and said- “bhai sorry toh bol sakte ho”
And I walked off.

Was that right or is that I have totally gotten immune? So in the same way, if I am working myself to a certain level will it just take a wrong turn or will my reactions be a lot indifferent.

I really cannot answer these questions now… nor is there anyone around who can help me. Does anyone know these answers? Why ask this question when all we do is live robotic lives, slaves of our own goals and destiny.

We are bound by everything that is around us… from families, religion, work, friends. But yes I think we need friends and family esp when religion and work can disown you sometimes.

So how does it work? Every morning brings you face to face with the modern world. Being a slave to one’s destiny! Challenges?! What are these challenges, what are we looking for, what should be our goal, are we going in the right direction, who is god, what is religion, should we F*#%ing care when its obvious that all the people around have been blinded by religion into hate and war?

‘Don’t stop to think or even answer it…if you did…just like me, then you just lost the front row seats of the most amazing show – the rat race.

Is it a sin to ask these questions or to wonder why?

Ask your parents and your peers… they’ll either be scientifically factual or fictionally philosophical with their replies, but best of all they’d just quote from the holy scriptures and books and some really unheard of religious texts.

If you were satisfied with the reasoning and answers you received then don’t read on. This will make you only ask more questions. Fill and flood your heads with doubt. Now isn’t doubt bad!!??

Try running faster my dear
This is a race and there is only one winner
Try running faster it’s all very clear
You’ve been running circles, a sinner.

Try to be good and happy
Hey you just hurt someone
Try to be worldly and witty
You’ve just lost the love of the good ONE.

The soothing warmth of the evening drink…
The numbness and the artificial intoxication…
They ultimately burn you from the inside…
Till your heart feels no more and you sink and die.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I walk these crowded streets
Lonely and friendless.
The cold wind and my habits
Remind me of this wretched space.

The children that smiled and played
Are all gone and grown today.
I wait to see the light of day
To be back with the days I smiled…

Lying alone in the dark, stoned cold,
With my arms stretched out.
Didn’t I just show you the door
Through which you left me alone.

How I long everyday to walk down the path
The road, solitary in the wilderness!

Black and White

Fairy Tales do not come true and so I believed. Fantasies and hallucinations do not give way to reality; even déjà vu seems to be a glitch in the uncountable plugging and unplugging of numerous little charged neurons in your brains.
So what do we have here. A life that just moves on. Dreams meant for the night or for wierd timings in the day when you really need to have yuor thoughts concentrated on the person heading the production meeting...
But on the 18th Feb 2007 it all changed, nuthing would remain the same ever again. Life won't be the same again.

It all started a week before when all the planning started. But you see my brother was down and i wanted to spend as much of time with him that my job offered. Suddenly as time moved on tickets got lesser i realise i still hadn't booked my tickets for the THE GREAT GIG IN THE SKY. My brother tells me of a friend of mine who has passes so i call this friend who confirms it. Work done.

At office more people wanted to come, which included my bosses. Fine i could get them the passes. But i was never sure whether those passes were really there or not, so i call this other friend who works for the press to arrange some more, he confirms 8 passes. Wow! 8!

Come Sunday and i don't have even 1 pass. tried for desperate measures... told everyone i couldn't arrange passes and had to hear it from ost of them but for two friends. One guy arranges it and the other tells me we'll go there and see what can be done.

We by the tickets for 2000 bucks from the venue. and can you believe it i got broke and i really didn't feel it. All that i could feel was the music, my heart beat and the feeling of euphoria. Roger Waters performing live in MUMBAI.

Dreams do come true, i always wanted to see a Roger Waters show. And now i want to see a Pink Floyd reunion.

uncertainty brought me to perhaps the best feeling i ever felt.
uncertainty about tickets, about what to do after that since i got broke.
uncertainty about how to get home cos i was left with 10 bucks in my wallet.
but all i remember thinking is the PIG in the sky, learning to fly.

the time when it looked staright into my eyes with its tusks showing.
with the dots around its neck saying, cut through the dotted lines.
with SARVA JAATI EK HAIN written on the side.
and all i could see is god and devil sitting together, floating this pig into the sky, pasting acid strips onto their tongue and laughing at us mortals for we were missing the pyro effects happening on stage.
to be out there and to be part of a single wave of energy all moving to the rhythm of the blip on the satelite on screen, which actually was the same rhythm of a normal heart...so in short everyone at that single point of time had their hearts beating at the same time... or maybe the sound wasn't from the speakers at all , it might have been the collective beating of nearly 10000 people's hearts.

for once i saw the coming together of peoples just having music in their heads and all their hearts beating together, like hearts, like thoughts, like people, like like like like like... like what we like, like what we like, like what we like...

beating hearts beating drums, progressive rhythms, progressive thoughts...music up in the head music up in the head...music in our hearts beating together... two fingers pointing up to the heavens in the shape of a V, waves of Vs towering a dazed and comfortably numbed crowd...
had to be an off day for the devil and god...so much of harmony can only be a result of some thing like that.