Days go by and everyday wake up with a warrior's fervour only to lose it by night. The only thing that looks straight at me today is - I FUCKED UP
fucked up real bad... and it moves to times back when I might not have realised what was it that moved me, but I moved to this. Being fucked. I wish I could say a few encouraging things in the end of this blog and I hope for an insight as well... but what the heck. Never been one to make my feelings known and not gonna change that today... You who read this, will perhaps be the closest to knowing whats in my head...
I am 32 and I wish to die or disappear. Its easy. So easy that I won't do it, my bloody ego won't let me do something that's easy... BIG MISTAKE should have done it even if it was easy... saves you the heart ache later. But who is there to tell you about all this, they only speak about the birds and the bees. And I catch myself looking up everytime to see what is it that the birds and the bees are up to today. Silly little boy grew up in small town Begusarai, not recognised in maps trying to make a difference in worlds where they don't want small towners telling them what to do.
Walk on.
Shut up, Sit there, behave yourself, Is this how you behave, disappointing... NASTY... Thats what you are in the end of the day... and no amount of self flagellation will save the doomed. Redemption is for those born into it, not striving for it, and I top the list of no birth - NO PEDIGREE you see. born of multi races as they say... We are not the privileged ones in the world...
But well I guess its a lesson, don't look up, stay down... thats where it is you got to be.Don't lift yourself, your eyes... do not question, do not answer... expect none. (I don't even know when I started expecting) Today I will think of not where I sleep but to sleep at all. The question that bothered Hamlet was but just part of a play, and yet reflects so strongly in my life today... do i work for survival or look for the dream that I have, a dream that has no beginnings in India... Do I take help at all... Do I just shut up and do what everyone wants me to do... be a successful money making machine...
Today I contemplate life, my path and my death... lets hope something comes out of it, I so really want emancipation tonight.
fucked up real bad... and it moves to times back when I might not have realised what was it that moved me, but I moved to this. Being fucked. I wish I could say a few encouraging things in the end of this blog and I hope for an insight as well... but what the heck. Never been one to make my feelings known and not gonna change that today... You who read this, will perhaps be the closest to knowing whats in my head...
I am 32 and I wish to die or disappear. Its easy. So easy that I won't do it, my bloody ego won't let me do something that's easy... BIG MISTAKE should have done it even if it was easy... saves you the heart ache later. But who is there to tell you about all this, they only speak about the birds and the bees. And I catch myself looking up everytime to see what is it that the birds and the bees are up to today. Silly little boy grew up in small town Begusarai, not recognised in maps trying to make a difference in worlds where they don't want small towners telling them what to do.
Walk on.
Shut up, Sit there, behave yourself, Is this how you behave, disappointing... NASTY... Thats what you are in the end of the day... and no amount of self flagellation will save the doomed. Redemption is for those born into it, not striving for it, and I top the list of no birth - NO PEDIGREE you see. born of multi races as they say... We are not the privileged ones in the world...
But well I guess its a lesson, don't look up, stay down... thats where it is you got to be.Don't lift yourself, your eyes... do not question, do not answer... expect none. (I don't even know when I started expecting) Today I will think of not where I sleep but to sleep at all. The question that bothered Hamlet was but just part of a play, and yet reflects so strongly in my life today... do i work for survival or look for the dream that I have, a dream that has no beginnings in India... Do I take help at all... Do I just shut up and do what everyone wants me to do... be a successful money making machine...
Today I contemplate life, my path and my death... lets hope something comes out of it, I so really want emancipation tonight.
1 comment:
Lehron ke saath tou koi bhi chal leta hai... asli insaan tou woh hai jo lehro ko cheer ke aage nikal jaye...
Get up and fight!
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