OnE StEp CloSeR

One Step Closer to the edge...

Managing work and resources has like been a complete eye opener, a window into my own life, into the very heart of darkness that should be me...

And definitely the Heart of Darkness... A friend once told me about ACID. If you needed to go on an acid trip, the only thing to prepaer yourself for the trip is to free your mind, or it takes you to the other side of the world, the netherworld... Seriously, you don't really need to do it to really understand the impact of how a screwed up life weighs on you.
Its difficult to eat, sleep, meet with friends, to relax...its difficult to bloody answer calls, cos you know when you do that, you wouldn't want to talk and if you did, you'd sound like a grouch...well you'd sound like a grouch anyway.
when i took up this job, i knew i was gonna push myself, just to see how far i can go... i have gone far, i have pushed my limits... but i am not made for this stuff... i have made it look like i am the right person for the job... but it doesn't matter, cos inside you you know its not meant for you... and now, how i long for the numbness to fill my brains, my body, my very soul and take me one step closer to the wilderness, i am way beyond the edge... have already jumped.
your mind has to be clear if you wanna do acid, or its gonna screw your brains out and freak you out like a horror show... i'd say, push your limits, take yourself one step closer to edge and you'll experience it...
what with managing your personal life, with all its demands... your professional life, with all its demands, your own life has its demands but no time left... aren't u already one too many steps closer to the edge... can we ever say, 'need time out for myself.' thats eutopian...
i am resigned and am gonna take it as it comes, i am done living the life i want... thats never gonna happen...
i am shackled waist down by relationships and waist up by work... i am gonna break soon and then it'll be too late to walk down the wilderness...
SAVE ME!!!

Give me My Voice NoW

Silent...
I do not love...
Silent

How Should I...

So many nights have i spent wondering and watching for a sign that would instill enough confidence in me to go ahead with what i have.
Sitting alone for long hours in the city's popular boulevard wondering in which direction i should go...
concious contemplations and perilous points to ponder.

I know the one who calls me brother is going through a tough time, I need him to find peace, solace and a life befitting someone who can call me brother. But how do i console him? The one that matters the most is far far away in perhaps the same dilema and really not able to comprehend on what course of action should be applied. I hear of it and i really want to do something, but no. There is hardly anything to be done, the rest is revolutionary. How does one reason with a broken heart and a paining conscience that screams the one name that should generally react to a whisper! Whisper a prayer, whisper it in ears to hear, whisper it so ages beyond should never have to wait for the whisper. Love, is it so blind to pain, that it drives the very inners to pour out with so much of vengeance that relative thinking and reasoning would seem like an enemy assault!
But that is not the way of the one that calls me brother. And that pains more for a brother. How should I tell him what I think should be done? How should i tell him of a love so pure that it later binds you to hate? How should I tell him that it will only turn to obsession and will later turn him mad? How should I tell him that all that i think is wrong? How should I...

I know the one that called me lover is somewhere thinking of a comeback. When over here in the midst of all my work I think of nothing else than what is there to see. Complains of hiding behind masks and loads of work just so that situations, thoughts, memories and nights spent together are blinded and locked up in some closet fall to ears of friends and of more friends. But I see it different. No pain. No blood. No tears. No feelings. A heart bled to full, does it bleed anymore? Does a mind lost and seperate and changed be wrong in saying no more? I don't want any of this anymore. Happiness. How should I tell the one that called me a lover that it's not me anymore? How should I tell the one that called me a lover that there is none to look forward too, when the minds at work and the heart's gone for a stroll in a psychedelic trance wilderness? How should I say that I love no more? How should I say that expectations of a life wasn't really expectations but a requiem of a dream? How should I...

I know the one that calls me dude/friend/brother is in pain and smiles when the rest of the world with ails of such would be counting days. A love that is fathomless seems hard to imagine and easy to dream. A love that there was is now gone because of times when someone had to choose. Does choice make a relation seem like a test? yes, I believe so. Broken and out, physically and in heart yet there is a glimmer of hope that the one that calls me DFB has to get me and the one that called me lover back again. I hate myself for bringing expectations for a dream. I love the one that calls me DFB but cannot take the choice that is offered because it moves me against all. How should I tell the one that calls me DFB that all love is lost and only a new one can enter? (beep you're out of the game) How should I say that all i care about is the malignant inners and that I hardly care for the cancer that has us all? How should I...

One has a love but has been moved away and longs a reunion, if not for forces of the underwind. One has broken away from the love of a good one and is trying to cement a relation. One has no love even when someone wants a reunion. One.

How should I go about this one?

GaStroNomic RambLinGs

aaaaahhhhh!!!!

sitting late at night burning the midnight oil
forgotten how the sun feels and the smell of moist soil.
slowly moving to the edge of the world,
wondering about the end and all the gold.

foooooooddd....
aaaaahhhhh!!!!

let me tell you the story of old
how a man and his woman found some gold.
all across the country side would they be spoken of
how a man and his woman got rich and took off.

off to the city where the blinding lights are strings and streams
where men and women look alike; riding their fancy carts on high beams.
where houses and towers look alike
'aaaaahhhh,' to his woman said mike.

aaaaahhhhh!!!!
under the cities, where rivers clean as vulcan's home run
under a rampart that smelled like a skunk.

city life is amazing, you got dogs here and you got dogs there...
what am i talking about, am i losing it or is it just the uncertaintity....
aaaaaahhhh...stop this crap...listen to you!!!
you don't make sense you miserable piece of a pretentious philosopher...
your mask is wearing out, they can see through and now you feel naked...standing at the marketplace...

aaaaaahhhhh!!!
hey you wouldn't have minded the nakedness on other days, so why cover up? too many masks and too many lies... be yourself, even if its just for a day... stop the smile...you look worst than the queen's jester... mister.

why...don't you have anything better to do than read these mindless rantings of a hungry soul???

UNSPOKEN DREAMS

Darkness and solitude...my friends i call upon you now to help me out...
this world hard to bear and easily misleading...
give me the muse and the fire to rekindle my snuffed life...
Depressed am I?... I daren't answer this rhetoric...
PULL THE TRIGGER, SLASH A VEIN, JUMP, DROWN...
thats too easy...
My life is an irony, a total contradiction... i need my life... i don't want my life... i want to end it... but it's too easy... i want something challenging...mmmm... death you can't give me that... LIFE well you are already too challenged yourself.

All HAil ThE SlAVe KIng

unfair deal...
the loved one that suffered, the loved one that suffered, the loved one that suffered, the loved one that suffered, the loved ONE that suffered, the loved one that suffers.
unfair deal...
let me suffer...
painful existence painful existence...
''shut up and F*$#ing smile you don't want to share your pain...
smile and don't give me your pain''

smile smile smile, smiling cheshire what have you got to hide, hide a hide thats hidden behind a coat infested with fleas... smile that fakeness, that fantastical ''its a beautiful day''(have you heard of such a thing?)
the loved one made you smile (don't tell me... you spent the rest of the time contemplating closure and death)

ENTER the mighty warrior...
he is tired and battle laden, sweat on his brow an unshaven mess. His beloved happy goes up and picks him by his elbow from his throne...and into his eyes she looks, eagerly, wanting so badly, craving to lecherous levels...

''lets go shopping my dear''

'The King is a slave, all hail the king, all hail the king, all hail the king'

quiet... QUIET...sshhh.
Can you hear what i hear?
quiet....
sshhh...

lets be silent... lets be silent... lets be silent says the king, we already in the wilderness at peace in elysium....
SCREAMMMMMM my queen, but no one to hear you just me... here in elysium.

the King shuts his eyes, his job is done...he doesn't need to go shopping... the film's been made and the loved one can retire... close your eyes, the shopping can wait... elysium and the chance to go for the gig, once in a lifetime...
he closes his eyes and in the wilderness he walks, hand in hand with the musical likeness, of love and accomplishment, of music and meditation, of love and peace...
the war (read life) is over.
ELYSIUM

Solitary in the Wilderness

Sometimes one wonders if what the present holds is a means to our future. Does it lead us to where we set out to go? Where we go is that the place we really want to go? Will we be disappointed with what we end up with, with all the gigantic expectations that we shoulder, heavier than Atlas’s load!

In my solitude and wanderings, into wildernesses generally uncharted, I begin to think. Am I really who I am? Am I really what I am? Will I end up being the person I set out to be?

I fought anger, tried to be different and not get angry. I can confidently say that it would take a catastrophe to get me angry. I set out to be like that but am I right? Am I going in the right direction? I wonder sometimes! Once when an auto went over my foot I just went over to the driver and said- “bhai sorry toh bol sakte ho”
And I walked off.

Was that right or is that I have totally gotten immune? So in the same way, if I am working myself to a certain level will it just take a wrong turn or will my reactions be a lot indifferent.

I really cannot answer these questions now… nor is there anyone around who can help me. Does anyone know these answers? Why ask this question when all we do is live robotic lives, slaves of our own goals and destiny.

We are bound by everything that is around us… from families, religion, work, friends. But yes I think we need friends and family esp when religion and work can disown you sometimes.

So how does it work? Every morning brings you face to face with the modern world. Being a slave to one’s destiny! Challenges?! What are these challenges, what are we looking for, what should be our goal, are we going in the right direction, who is god, what is religion, should we F*#%ing care when its obvious that all the people around have been blinded by religion into hate and war?

‘Don’t stop to think or even answer it…if you did…just like me, then you just lost the front row seats of the most amazing show – the rat race.

Is it a sin to ask these questions or to wonder why?

Ask your parents and your peers… they’ll either be scientifically factual or fictionally philosophical with their replies, but best of all they’d just quote from the holy scriptures and books and some really unheard of religious texts.

If you were satisfied with the reasoning and answers you received then don’t read on. This will make you only ask more questions. Fill and flood your heads with doubt. Now isn’t doubt bad!!??

Try running faster my dear
This is a race and there is only one winner
Try running faster it’s all very clear
You’ve been running circles, a sinner.

Try to be good and happy
Hey you just hurt someone
Try to be worldly and witty
You’ve just lost the love of the good ONE.

The soothing warmth of the evening drink…
The numbness and the artificial intoxication…
They ultimately burn you from the inside…
Till your heart feels no more and you sink and die.

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I walk these crowded streets
Lonely and friendless.
The cold wind and my habits
Remind me of this wretched space.

The children that smiled and played
Are all gone and grown today.
I wait to see the light of day
To be back with the days I smiled…

Lying alone in the dark, stoned cold,
With my arms stretched out.
Didn’t I just show you the door
Through which you left me alone.

How I long everyday to walk down the path
The road, solitary in the wilderness!

Black and White

Fairy Tales do not come true and so I believed. Fantasies and hallucinations do not give way to reality; even déjà vu seems to be a glitch in the uncountable plugging and unplugging of numerous little charged neurons in your brains.
So what do we have here. A life that just moves on. Dreams meant for the night or for wierd timings in the day when you really need to have yuor thoughts concentrated on the person heading the production meeting...
But on the 18th Feb 2007 it all changed, nuthing would remain the same ever again. Life won't be the same again.

It all started a week before when all the planning started. But you see my brother was down and i wanted to spend as much of time with him that my job offered. Suddenly as time moved on tickets got lesser i realise i still hadn't booked my tickets for the THE GREAT GIG IN THE SKY. My brother tells me of a friend of mine who has passes so i call this friend who confirms it. Work done.

At office more people wanted to come, which included my bosses. Fine i could get them the passes. But i was never sure whether those passes were really there or not, so i call this other friend who works for the press to arrange some more, he confirms 8 passes. Wow! 8!

Come Sunday and i don't have even 1 pass. tried for desperate measures... told everyone i couldn't arrange passes and had to hear it from ost of them but for two friends. One guy arranges it and the other tells me we'll go there and see what can be done.

We by the tickets for 2000 bucks from the venue. and can you believe it i got broke and i really didn't feel it. All that i could feel was the music, my heart beat and the feeling of euphoria. Roger Waters performing live in MUMBAI.

Dreams do come true, i always wanted to see a Roger Waters show. And now i want to see a Pink Floyd reunion.

uncertainty brought me to perhaps the best feeling i ever felt.
uncertainty about tickets, about what to do after that since i got broke.
uncertainty about how to get home cos i was left with 10 bucks in my wallet.
but all i remember thinking is the PIG in the sky, learning to fly.

the time when it looked staright into my eyes with its tusks showing.
with the dots around its neck saying, cut through the dotted lines.
with SARVA JAATI EK HAIN written on the side.
and all i could see is god and devil sitting together, floating this pig into the sky, pasting acid strips onto their tongue and laughing at us mortals for we were missing the pyro effects happening on stage.
to be out there and to be part of a single wave of energy all moving to the rhythm of the blip on the satelite on screen, which actually was the same rhythm of a normal heart...so in short everyone at that single point of time had their hearts beating at the same time... or maybe the sound wasn't from the speakers at all , it might have been the collective beating of nearly 10000 people's hearts.

for once i saw the coming together of peoples just having music in their heads and all their hearts beating together, like hearts, like thoughts, like people, like like like like like... like what we like, like what we like, like what we like...

beating hearts beating drums, progressive rhythms, progressive thoughts...music up in the head music up in the head...music in our hearts beating together... two fingers pointing up to the heavens in the shape of a V, waves of Vs towering a dazed and comfortably numbed crowd...
had to be an off day for the devil and god...so much of harmony can only be a result of some thing like that.

BLINDING...

Fragmented thoughts wandering in the wilderness
Fallen dreams like fallen trees after a storm
Meadows green and moss laden, our land in a new dress
Smells of flowers, rain moistened grounds and loam.

Wishful thinking where have you brought me? To silent rivers of contemplation, chirping birds hardly a pondering.
Where are the silent muses to rouse a silent poetry?
Where do I begin to tell the story of old? The rhyme of a forgotten hero, crying after he finds his dead companion on the battlefields where he fought…

Silent followers of Jove, Venus and Mars…

The war within to bring forth a love so beautiful to wring out the last drops of verse and songs.

Belief in myself, stronger than a storm; belief in my life strong as the afternoon breeze…

Bring me back those fresh brown cookies straight from the oven and let me write once more… hungry for more.

bleed my veins let the blood do the talking that my heart wouldn't say through my head and mouth.
bleed my heart to its desires and fill up the emptiness left with creation...

Selfish and Stubborn

Sitting in my cell... Unmoved by the world outside... My mind is locked to hate... selfish and stubborn.

The drums roll indicating change
the guitars pick up to a new tune.
The crowds jump and acknowledge
their drink, dope and ignorance.

Living life to it's fullest
I've walked the crowded streets.
Hands in empty pockets
Moving to my heart beats.

Have loved the one that would never love me...
Time heals and death reveals
I ignored the one that loved me.

I always knew you but never did i understand.
What I saw within you was love for me uncanned.

ponderings of a lost man

Its way past midnight... A time when being broke and running out of food supplies, along with our king-sized ego not to borrow has made me quite different and quite out of sync.
Mood swings, beedis and powdered milk...one meal a day (at night) along with lots of tea, coffee and glucose biscuits.
did i work or try at least...???
Bloody yes i did...worked to the bone. but haven't received anything that would say i worked... i would love to blame the state i am in right now to that. but i cannot. i let it happen. i let the chance go by. today i try to make amends...nuthing happens.
suddenly it feels like i have finally arrived at mumbai trying to make ends meet.

Surely i must not have been thinking...
If we werea couple happening...
But i never think when its emotion
that blurrs my mind from the worldly commotion.

the education was growing stronger...
And guess it would go longer...
Never did i realise that it would be different
and thoughts would get harder to vent.

where is this life that we all dream of. Lost in the wilderness. of course i chose the road to travel and am looking for clues to the end. but this road's got more distractions than perceived. help me great one to be able to think straight, undistracted and focussed to one goal.

ThE DEcidER

Darkness...more darkness
Are my eyes going blind or am I just fading away...
My head's spinning and whirling, my body's aching...
I guess it's the adrenaline, maybe the serotonin...IT'S DOPAMINE...
I can't fight this battle anymore...I have to stop and let go... Let go of the spirit that has bound me.
There is no one here but me... in this crowded and claustrophobic world... I am but alone, fighting a losing war...
I have to let go... leave it all behind...
' Will leave from the back door, should i turn to see the one's I leave behind and lose this only chance to slip away?
Slip out and no one, not even friends would notice i have slipped away and left the warmth of the party...
Open door... The back door...
I can feel the pang of the cold breeze beckon me "leave 'em all behind"
So I let the feeling engulf me and leave without stopping to say goodbye...'
Life is so strange... I stop awhile to wonder ' DID I really LIVE LIFE to LEAVE IT?'
And I was thrown back...with a throbbing head, dry mouth and a very heavy pain on my chest and on every muscle i thought i have...
DID I JUST SEE DEATH...
THE REAPER AND THE DECIDER??!!

where do i begin...

What i sit that is amiss...?
A vacation...
Sometime with friends...
with someone special...


The whistle sounds the start of play
Shrill and loud, for every player to hear.
But one player oblivious to what is on
Stares straight at the goal, 'loss I fear!'

The kick off and the ball is everywhere...
woken from the romance of his end
He moves swift, agile and aggressive
faked a right and left, tripped and a hard descend.

Never did he get up to finish the game
Self engrossed he cries in his own defeat
The match can never be replayed
And he kicks himself on his own selfish feat.

He was once loved by a girl very beautiful
Ignored her presence and moved on
Today he sits smoking his pipe and rocking on a chair
Old and miserable, he tripped twice and now she's gone.