brIng mE bAck

"Bring me back to the end...
          I heard it all and how it began.
Lives to break and bend
          She laughs at the pain we're in.

Soulfully alone she'd sit...
          plucks out petals in holy wait.
If he doesn't come back with it
          She'd laugh at his pain and fate.

So long was the yearning...
          that when it ends there isn't a drop.
Yesterday she picked a quarelling
          when all that was needed a gun go pop.

I don't want to hear them stories...
          Saddens the heart drives away glories.
Want to start afresh with world's out there
          Something to gladden with love that's fair.

The friends have gone, the back door's closed...
          The night's cold and windy to bone.
I am not going back to warmth and bode
          on things that friends and family are sewn.

Bring me to the end...
No more living to bend
Soul's cringed trying to fend
A birth and life waiting to end.

Don't want the sweet caress
of lovers and life's beauty dress
gleaming and streaming cheek on breast
No more touch or feel or love why the sweet caress?

Bring me to the end...
                                Want to start again.

Letter to My Lover

My Love,

Was years of pain and strife
      Before I saw a love and made you my wife
Cannot say we are fabled in love
      But glorious is what we'll share above.

Nothing compares to when you'd smile
      All pains and aches travel a mile
I can look at your beautiful eyes
      And cannot hold myself as time flies.

Your skin's too much for a man to take
      A lover would hold hard to fake.
A lifetime of happiness for you i pledge
      But today I have only pain at edge.

I am sorry for the doing is my own
      No lover as beautiful as you must go through.
The pain and strife that I have sown
      A life, a career, a jewel I have blown.

Your eyes in pain is more than I can take
      For our bed's gone cold and hard
Our live's torn apart and about to break
And all I can give you is the Best Lover's Award.

I wish to give you more
I wish life to give you some more
I pray that love sings songs of praise
To give a girl as pretty as you and its not only your face
Your heart, your breasts and the whiles of every little crest
My love... I love you but I have not been right to you.
Please forgive a love's failure.

Your husband.   

Some People want it ALL

Days go by and everyday wake up with a warrior's fervour only to lose it by night. The only thing that looks straight at me today is - I FUCKED UP

fucked up real bad... and it moves to times back when I might not have realised what was it that moved me, but I moved to this. Being fucked. I wish I could say a few encouraging things in the end of this blog and I hope for an insight as well... but what the heck. Never been one to make my feelings known and not gonna change that today... You who read this, will perhaps be the closest to knowing whats in my head...

I am 32 and I wish to die or disappear. Its easy. So easy that I won't do it, my bloody ego won't let me do something that's easy... BIG MISTAKE should have done it even if it was easy... saves you the heart ache later. But who is there to tell you about all this, they only speak about the birds and the bees. And I catch myself looking up everytime to see what is it that the birds and the bees are up to today. Silly little boy grew up in small town Begusarai, not recognised in maps trying to make a difference in worlds where they don't want small towners telling them what to do.

Walk on.

Shut up, Sit there, behave yourself, Is this how you behave, disappointing... NASTY... Thats what you are in the end of the day... and no amount of self flagellation will save the doomed. Redemption is for those born into it, not striving for it, and I top the list of no birth - NO PEDIGREE you see. born of multi races as they say... We are not the privileged ones in the world...

But well I guess its a lesson, don't look up, stay down... thats where it is you got to be.Don't lift yourself, your eyes... do not question, do not answer... expect none. (I don't even know when I started expecting) Today I will think of not where I sleep but to sleep at all. The question that bothered Hamlet was but just part of a play, and yet reflects so strongly in my life today... do i work for survival or look for the dream that I have, a dream that has no beginnings in India... Do I take help at all... Do I just shut up and do what everyone wants me to do... be a successful money making machine...

Today I contemplate life, my path and my death... lets hope something comes out of it, I so really want emancipation tonight.