hOld On

All my life I hadn't been to the circus and always considered it to be a not so very entertaining thing. I mean you got films, you got your TV shows, outdoors... so I guess I kinda skipped the circus part in my life. Till about a week or 2 back (yes I am late in putting up this post), my cousin James and I were meeting for lunch and wondering what next to do. Well the Gemini Circus (One of India's oldest circuses) was visiting Chennai and the 2 of us thought we could perhaps give it a try. He had totally forgotten the experience he got when he saw the circus as a kid and I hadn't been to a circus... so he wanted to refresh his memory and I was going to see something for the very first time. Now the one thing to note is use of exotic/ wild animals is banned in India, and I wondered is the circus going to be a dud of an experience. On top of it I had read in numerous articles about the dying art of the circus, so much have I felt bad for it that when I first set my eyes on Cirque du Soleil on TV once I knew that was one for the bucket list. Now the Gemini Circus is not Cirque du Soleil but it was a circus anyway.

After a very heavy lunch we set out on our quest, one a veteran but with a fading memory and the other a rookie ready for whatever is thrown to him. We took the train from Adyar to Park Town and after trying to figure our way to the location James decided best to ask our very own trusted traffic cop. He had no clue where we wanted to go, until we asked him for directions to the circus. He actually guided us straight to the entrance of the circus. And then - Damn I had never seen so many people since I went for the Iron Maiden Concert at BKC. That's when I began to get a feeling of warmth because so many people had turned up for what I had presumed, with the help of articles, to be a dying art. For a while the 2 of us were happy to see so many people - young boys and girls, parents with children, young adults like ourselves and quite a few older people as well, and we couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement. And then that excitement soon gave way to anxiousness - if there are so many people, would we get seats??? Just in time, we got tickets to the front row and when we were ushered in I couldn't help myself from looking all around for what I saw was something that I had only seen in a TV serial which starred a struggling actor who now is a super star.

I was totally given to what I saw, we found our seats without any fuss and within minutes the whole tent was full of people, looking for their seats, excited talk all about the place. Five minutes after resting our glorious backsides, the call bell rang for the first time - 10 minutes to go. I was so excited I kept looking all around maybe I'd see someone I knew, were the other people also as excited as I was, will I get a glimpse of the performers... a whole lot to look around for.

The show starts and I found myself clapping like a kid and whistling. There was a kid next to the 2 of us who seemed to find us more fun than his parents. James enjoyed it and though his recollection of his previous visit is questionable, I noticed another excited youth sitting next to me... really really trying his hand at whistling but managing hardly a whiff. I am not going to tell you what happened or what the acts were, cos I think most of you would have been to circus and I wouldn't have anything to add to that. In fact with the lions, snakes and monkeys you might have seen a glorious time of the circus. But I did see something and that something made me think about life, my life...

In the circus there are some things that you must hold on to and real tight and other times you need to let go. Sometimes its about relying on your strength and other times about trusting the strength of someone else. And sometimes its about never forgetting the people of the circus and their dedication, efforts, hours of practice put into giving us some entertainment.

This is the end…

Have you ever seen the end? Have you ever felt that its over, you are done and out? I have always. I have never felt so close to death today as I have ever felt and that is always. I am not talking about a situation here but a feeling, a vision and a sign. Death… death… death…

I see dead faces everyday, when I walk... People about lifeless, dark and scary. They don't know they are dead but they keep walking like they are alive and have a purpose to fulfill. They tell each other that nothing matters and they make life the way it is, they smile and are nice to you but within they play a game of numbers, of counting. They breathe the very air that we breathe and contaminate it with fart.

It chokes me to death... death... death... they are so sure about the significance of insignificance. About existence and their feelings and thoughts, relationships, way to life... life of pi... but they are dead. Dead to see the world has moved on... We are living in a dying world. The Mayans were right about the end. THIS IS THE END.

Nights of lights, bright lights... mornings of darkness, fog and mist... air with the whiff of a thousand perfumes to hide the rotting stench... make up to cover to fading skin, colour and conditioner for the matted hair... Creation id no more. Death is here. Can you see it??? Or are you also dead... given in... given up... ha ha ha... I knew you just yesterday.

I look up to see clouds and see nothing but debris of fallen crafts and angels, birds and insects float through the air... making the air look like a viscous contaminated glass of water... Damn it we breathe that. The trees are all but dying, refusing to break the axe that cuts them to 2... kill the man that bears the axe cuts them to 2... the grass is growing vile for it knows it will survive, the dead need it.

Again I look up in search of true lights not of the nights but of the mornings and evenings... none. Loneliness is not a situation of alone but of feeling alone in company. I am ALONE. ha ha ha...

I came here alone. Who wants to listen to life when all that's needed today is DEATH... the films look the same... a song and dance... titillate the senses and groins of men and women of death for there is no life within to understand the arts... Dead creators create for this mass... Destroyed the arts... painters cover their canvas with colour to hide the shallowness of their dream and try to pretend alive... ha ha ha

And I look down, an ant has climbed onto my arm. I am lying flat on my back. The sky looks beautiful, but not for long because I am dying. THIS IS THE END... but i will not join with the deadwalkers... I rather kill myself than walk the dead track. I am Free... But this is the end... just that one regret of not having done what seemed like a great idea. But there were good times to look back to... THIS IS THE END... no more dreams of death... I kill myself, death you lose, I WILL NOT BECOME A DEADWALKER.

THIS IS THE END... do i have a friend??? Someone who is not dead, can pull me out of this. my veins bleeding out. Or see you in the after... Do I have a friend?

silence... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...