dIscO dEEwAnE and all

Every once in a while I keep thinking about how far we have come. Just seeing the posts that I have on this blog I know I have come quite a bit from the time when I thought hard to find something to blog. But more importantly there is something else that has hit me hard about how far we have come along. The other day a friend of mine - Mr. Ganesh KPRS posted lyrics from November Rain (If you grew up in the 90s there would be no way you wouldn't have heard Guns and Roses NR). But here am not going to be talking about the English bands because here in India we had our own very version of Pop and Rock music. Ironically to start off, it all began with a Pakistani girl, the world's sweetheart - Nazia Hassan.

 In the 1980s along with her brother and music composer Biddu came out with hits like Disco Deewane (the SOTY version, though a tribute, is no where near the original in attitude and flavour.) -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-5h0BTMdMM

One would have also heard her angelic voice in songs from the film Qurbani. But what she really started was a movement of Pop and Rock in India. From then on the flood gates would open and many other singers with different flavours and origins would come on to make music. To start with is Remo Fernandes, I think one of the most interesting and talented musicians since the time when only classical music was considered good enough to be performed. Then came Remo and changed all of that with his hairdo, his attitude and his pure love for music. When it came to films he lent his voice to some amazing numbers but what really brings the greatness of the artist is when he performed live with Ustad Zakir Hussain for the 1999 Filmfare awards. If you do get to catch a recording of it you will be wowed by the expertise at which Remo matches up to the genius and mastery of Zakir Hussain.

All the music before the the 90s in India was only from feature films or classical renditions. There really wasn't much happening on the Pop and Rock front till in the 80s Nazia Hassan changed it all. Remo carried on from there and by the 90 there was a flood of musician making music. We had musicians like Shweta Shetty, Sunita Rao, Suchitra Krishnamurti and Alisha Chinoy doing regular girl pop music and then there was Bally Sagoo and Biddu doing the disco and party beats. And not to forget the one and only Baba Sehgal who brought his version of the desi rap. Some of the best numbers that still haunt me today are from this era.

By the mid 90s came a whole lot of musicians, including Junoon from Pakistan who brought hard hitting rock to popular music in India with Sayonee. There was Lucky Ali, Silk Route, Mehnaz, Anaida, etc. Along side them was also Sukhbir with his dance numbers that were a rage till the mid of 2000. But since 2000 there has once again been a downslide in the number of pop albums in Hindi. Rock in India seems more or less to be imitative of the western school and artists in the likes of Junoon don't seem to be coming our way.

I miss those years when I would wait for Doordarshan to play music from the pop scene in India. And then came MTV and it made us proud to see more music coming out. Shaan and Sagarika, Aryans, Shankar Mahadevan with is Breathless were making music, were making innovative music. But all this lasted only till 2000, maybe it did bleed a bit post 2000 but thats it. I miss those days when music was not limited to movies, esp when you think of the music from movies these days not being up to the mark.

check these out:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teZ6cR3hX6w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml1F8jnrbL4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNuL6aJMQ4o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3I5NosQk3Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFWjpYbLTjc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UD-Xaykwr6E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nKX-sUdEbE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Onu9y0BfCqY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71RRcv5Jci0

enjoy... I don't own the links above.

Searching for Emme

MISSING - ANY INFORMATION COMMENT

Where have you last seen him? What kind of a person? Do you have any information of him? Anything about him will be helpful, I am looking for him. 

brIng mE bAck

"Bring me back to the end...
          I heard it all and how it began.
Lives to break and bend
          She laughs at the pain we're in.

Soulfully alone she'd sit...
          plucks out petals in holy wait.
If he doesn't come back with it
          She'd laugh at his pain and fate.

So long was the yearning...
          that when it ends there isn't a drop.
Yesterday she picked a quarelling
          when all that was needed a gun go pop.

I don't want to hear them stories...
          Saddens the heart drives away glories.
Want to start afresh with world's out there
          Something to gladden with love that's fair.

The friends have gone, the back door's closed...
          The night's cold and windy to bone.
I am not going back to warmth and bode
          on things that friends and family are sewn.

Bring me to the end...
No more living to bend
Soul's cringed trying to fend
A birth and life waiting to end.

Don't want the sweet caress
of lovers and life's beauty dress
gleaming and streaming cheek on breast
No more touch or feel or love why the sweet caress?

Bring me to the end...
                                Want to start again.

Letter to My Lover

My Love,

Was years of pain and strife
      Before I saw a love and made you my wife
Cannot say we are fabled in love
      But glorious is what we'll share above.

Nothing compares to when you'd smile
      All pains and aches travel a mile
I can look at your beautiful eyes
      And cannot hold myself as time flies.

Your skin's too much for a man to take
      A lover would hold hard to fake.
A lifetime of happiness for you i pledge
      But today I have only pain at edge.

I am sorry for the doing is my own
      No lover as beautiful as you must go through.
The pain and strife that I have sown
      A life, a career, a jewel I have blown.

Your eyes in pain is more than I can take
      For our bed's gone cold and hard
Our live's torn apart and about to break
And all I can give you is the Best Lover's Award.

I wish to give you more
I wish life to give you some more
I pray that love sings songs of praise
To give a girl as pretty as you and its not only your face
Your heart, your breasts and the whiles of every little crest
My love... I love you but I have not been right to you.
Please forgive a love's failure.

Your husband.   

Some People want it ALL

Days go by and everyday wake up with a warrior's fervour only to lose it by night. The only thing that looks straight at me today is - I FUCKED UP

fucked up real bad... and it moves to times back when I might not have realised what was it that moved me, but I moved to this. Being fucked. I wish I could say a few encouraging things in the end of this blog and I hope for an insight as well... but what the heck. Never been one to make my feelings known and not gonna change that today... You who read this, will perhaps be the closest to knowing whats in my head...

I am 32 and I wish to die or disappear. Its easy. So easy that I won't do it, my bloody ego won't let me do something that's easy... BIG MISTAKE should have done it even if it was easy... saves you the heart ache later. But who is there to tell you about all this, they only speak about the birds and the bees. And I catch myself looking up everytime to see what is it that the birds and the bees are up to today. Silly little boy grew up in small town Begusarai, not recognised in maps trying to make a difference in worlds where they don't want small towners telling them what to do.

Walk on.

Shut up, Sit there, behave yourself, Is this how you behave, disappointing... NASTY... Thats what you are in the end of the day... and no amount of self flagellation will save the doomed. Redemption is for those born into it, not striving for it, and I top the list of no birth - NO PEDIGREE you see. born of multi races as they say... We are not the privileged ones in the world...

But well I guess its a lesson, don't look up, stay down... thats where it is you got to be.Don't lift yourself, your eyes... do not question, do not answer... expect none. (I don't even know when I started expecting) Today I will think of not where I sleep but to sleep at all. The question that bothered Hamlet was but just part of a play, and yet reflects so strongly in my life today... do i work for survival or look for the dream that I have, a dream that has no beginnings in India... Do I take help at all... Do I just shut up and do what everyone wants me to do... be a successful money making machine...

Today I contemplate life, my path and my death... lets hope something comes out of it, I so really want emancipation tonight.

hOld On

All my life I hadn't been to the circus and always considered it to be a not so very entertaining thing. I mean you got films, you got your TV shows, outdoors... so I guess I kinda skipped the circus part in my life. Till about a week or 2 back (yes I am late in putting up this post), my cousin James and I were meeting for lunch and wondering what next to do. Well the Gemini Circus (One of India's oldest circuses) was visiting Chennai and the 2 of us thought we could perhaps give it a try. He had totally forgotten the experience he got when he saw the circus as a kid and I hadn't been to a circus... so he wanted to refresh his memory and I was going to see something for the very first time. Now the one thing to note is use of exotic/ wild animals is banned in India, and I wondered is the circus going to be a dud of an experience. On top of it I had read in numerous articles about the dying art of the circus, so much have I felt bad for it that when I first set my eyes on Cirque du Soleil on TV once I knew that was one for the bucket list. Now the Gemini Circus is not Cirque du Soleil but it was a circus anyway.

After a very heavy lunch we set out on our quest, one a veteran but with a fading memory and the other a rookie ready for whatever is thrown to him. We took the train from Adyar to Park Town and after trying to figure our way to the location James decided best to ask our very own trusted traffic cop. He had no clue where we wanted to go, until we asked him for directions to the circus. He actually guided us straight to the entrance of the circus. And then - Damn I had never seen so many people since I went for the Iron Maiden Concert at BKC. That's when I began to get a feeling of warmth because so many people had turned up for what I had presumed, with the help of articles, to be a dying art. For a while the 2 of us were happy to see so many people - young boys and girls, parents with children, young adults like ourselves and quite a few older people as well, and we couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement. And then that excitement soon gave way to anxiousness - if there are so many people, would we get seats??? Just in time, we got tickets to the front row and when we were ushered in I couldn't help myself from looking all around for what I saw was something that I had only seen in a TV serial which starred a struggling actor who now is a super star.

I was totally given to what I saw, we found our seats without any fuss and within minutes the whole tent was full of people, looking for their seats, excited talk all about the place. Five minutes after resting our glorious backsides, the call bell rang for the first time - 10 minutes to go. I was so excited I kept looking all around maybe I'd see someone I knew, were the other people also as excited as I was, will I get a glimpse of the performers... a whole lot to look around for.

The show starts and I found myself clapping like a kid and whistling. There was a kid next to the 2 of us who seemed to find us more fun than his parents. James enjoyed it and though his recollection of his previous visit is questionable, I noticed another excited youth sitting next to me... really really trying his hand at whistling but managing hardly a whiff. I am not going to tell you what happened or what the acts were, cos I think most of you would have been to circus and I wouldn't have anything to add to that. In fact with the lions, snakes and monkeys you might have seen a glorious time of the circus. But I did see something and that something made me think about life, my life...

In the circus there are some things that you must hold on to and real tight and other times you need to let go. Sometimes its about relying on your strength and other times about trusting the strength of someone else. And sometimes its about never forgetting the people of the circus and their dedication, efforts, hours of practice put into giving us some entertainment.

This is the end…

Have you ever seen the end? Have you ever felt that its over, you are done and out? I have always. I have never felt so close to death today as I have ever felt and that is always. I am not talking about a situation here but a feeling, a vision and a sign. Death… death… death…

I see dead faces everyday, when I walk... People about lifeless, dark and scary. They don't know they are dead but they keep walking like they are alive and have a purpose to fulfill. They tell each other that nothing matters and they make life the way it is, they smile and are nice to you but within they play a game of numbers, of counting. They breathe the very air that we breathe and contaminate it with fart.

It chokes me to death... death... death... they are so sure about the significance of insignificance. About existence and their feelings and thoughts, relationships, way to life... life of pi... but they are dead. Dead to see the world has moved on... We are living in a dying world. The Mayans were right about the end. THIS IS THE END.

Nights of lights, bright lights... mornings of darkness, fog and mist... air with the whiff of a thousand perfumes to hide the rotting stench... make up to cover to fading skin, colour and conditioner for the matted hair... Creation id no more. Death is here. Can you see it??? Or are you also dead... given in... given up... ha ha ha... I knew you just yesterday.

I look up to see clouds and see nothing but debris of fallen crafts and angels, birds and insects float through the air... making the air look like a viscous contaminated glass of water... Damn it we breathe that. The trees are all but dying, refusing to break the axe that cuts them to 2... kill the man that bears the axe cuts them to 2... the grass is growing vile for it knows it will survive, the dead need it.

Again I look up in search of true lights not of the nights but of the mornings and evenings... none. Loneliness is not a situation of alone but of feeling alone in company. I am ALONE. ha ha ha...

I came here alone. Who wants to listen to life when all that's needed today is DEATH... the films look the same... a song and dance... titillate the senses and groins of men and women of death for there is no life within to understand the arts... Dead creators create for this mass... Destroyed the arts... painters cover their canvas with colour to hide the shallowness of their dream and try to pretend alive... ha ha ha

And I look down, an ant has climbed onto my arm. I am lying flat on my back. The sky looks beautiful, but not for long because I am dying. THIS IS THE END... but i will not join with the deadwalkers... I rather kill myself than walk the dead track. I am Free... But this is the end... just that one regret of not having done what seemed like a great idea. But there were good times to look back to... THIS IS THE END... no more dreams of death... I kill myself, death you lose, I WILL NOT BECOME A DEADWALKER.

THIS IS THE END... do i have a friend??? Someone who is not dead, can pull me out of this. my veins bleeding out. Or see you in the after... Do I have a friend?

silence... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...